So I have had lots of thoughts lately. I remember how I prayed and prayed to leave ana & mia behind. How I wanted out of the nightmare. I got what I asked for. They left...I was fine. I maintained my weight pretty well. I also went vegan (I love animals with my heart...not my stomach) and began running. But I am still feeling fat. I still find myself wishing to be thinner. As they say...nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Damn I was good. I dropped a lot of weight fast. I wouldn't eat breakfast...no lunch....maybe dinner. Spend lots of time at the gym.

See it all started with depression. I was all messed up in a crappy situation and I could not eat no matter who much I wanted to. Then I just gave up trying. Then I gave up wanting to, and began to activly avoid food. Sure people worried. but I was fat to begin with so it wasn't that big of a deal. I told my bf what was going on becuase I wanted out of it. And slowly I was able to recover. But do you ever recover? no. I think there is only remission. I like being healthy...don't get me wrong. I do. Infact I have not so fond memories of how I used to be. Craving food....racking my brain for something that I deemed "safe" to eat. Never going out to eat with my co-workers.

Leaning over the toilet in a gas station (Exxons almost always have single pereson restrooms yay), relinquishing my chinese food in the bathroom of a coffee house. Hiding the broken bloodvessles behind sunglasses. Lotioning my acid eaten hands. Squelching my food cravings with black coffee, herb teas, and gallons of water.

And I want this BS back? *sigh* I just can't seem to help it. The pull is too great. I am not strong enough to fight ana right now...just not strong enough. Besides...I still dream of being perfect.

Sure I know I am not fat. Im a size 10 or so. Not bad. Not great though. 5 or 6 would be better. I have wide hips and lots of extra skin on my stomach. I used to slice and dice the skin on my stomach when I was a young teenager and I separated the layers of skin. Now my skin will never be tight unless I have cosmetic surgery. My skin adds about 2 or 3 extra inches to my waist. it is sooo gross.

Anyhow....easing back in slowly.

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