2nd today

well things still aren't super swell here in perfectbone land, but that's ok. I have a wonderful super woman mask that I wear every day to work, and that will get me through. All I need is to "look" together, drink my coffee and all will be good enough to get me by another day.

I have not touched the scale in a while, can't say how long it's been, but judging by my pants, I don't dare even look. My thighs seem to be spreding, and my pants are tightening. No it's not girly paranoia, is my constant f*cking binging. yes....binge binge binge. Been a few weeks now I think. No purging. Mostly because I have to take medicine at different times a day, and throwing it up completly or even partly would make things worse.

I get really tired of fighting sometimes and keeping up this act day in and day out is draining. But I do want to live so badly. I really do. I want to be that happy shiny girl that people think that I am.

It makes me feel quite fake at times. i know this is a common thread with eating disorders. That "FAKE" feeling. Putting on the show, eating my carrots, drinking my diet soda. Smiling and chatting as another employee passes by. Put on that superwoman mask so no one has a clue....if I just keep moving and I don't slow down, then I won't lose the momentum. If I keep up this momentum then I can keep it all together.

In reality keeping all these balls in the air, keeping "it" together, is like trying to grab 99 threads at the same time, and braid them into 33 different tiny delicate braids. I can't seem to hold them all at once!!! I can't keep up! But I keep making one braid at a time....if I keep a few on display, it's enough to give the impression that nothing's really wrong.

-perfectbone

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