Ok So I leave work yesterday feeling a little wonkey....I grabbed a box of wheat thins from behind my seat. Started shoving them into my face. tried to eat them into quarters becuase I realized that I was just in a trance popping them in. Lucky for me there was only a quarter of a box left to begin with!

Well I polished that off. Grr. Prolly like 370 cal in that. I didn't dare look.

i went looking for the library. Couldn't find it. that sucked.

Finaly found it...it was tucked away. It was rinky dink. didn't have any veggie mags, no good exercise videos, no good books on cd, and 1 ED book that I found to be VERY triggering :)

So all in all...I decided against a card at this time. I'll find the other one on Manchaca and check that one out.

Well I went to big lots....then to academy (checking for sales on fitness stuff and I need a new pair of running shoes) Good deals on soem shoes but none in my size w/o leather. This chicky pooh doesn't wear beasties on her feetsies.

By then I realized I had a migrane. I was in agony. I managed to drive home and go to bed. No dinner :)

So in leu of that salad and spinach I should have had...I had wheat thins. I still stayed way under like 900 cal tho.

But I didn't exercise...walked a lot though :)

I kinda like living with a diet junkie roomate. She thinks that dietpills are normal....and when I eat nothing but snow peas for dinner she says "I'm so fat...I should eat like you do."

So the xendadrine was nice yesterday. I think I will buy some of that.

But I have to hide the crap from brian. I hate hiding anything from him.

he is ok with my diuretics becuase I tell him I only use them during "that time of the month" so I don't have to hide those, but I hide my accutrim, and my thinspiration book. He would still love me...I just don't want him to be hurt...I know he wants for me to be well...but it is just so hard to be well. So hard not to be the way that I am. Sure being well would be nice but I don't know what its like to really really be that way.

I have had patterns of disordered eating/thinking for so long. I remember at age 9 standing on a scale thinking....if only I could stay 75lbs forever. but I was really fat @ 75lbs.

By 11 I was binging and restricting.

I would break my food up into little baggies and say "this is for today....this one is for tomorow." at 12, I stopped eating breakfast and lunch. By 13, I didn't often eat lunch so that I could spend my money on other things. I also started to develope odd habbits like....Only 1 english muffin for break fast and it must be the same every morning. Started drinking masses of coffee to stay awake...had panic attacks, many suicide attempts (I had suicide ideation at 7, first attempt at 11)By 14 I found I was lactose intollerant and i stopped eating all dairy and ate as little as possible to be as small as possible. I was about 135. I started dating dan (the man I married and divorced) spent so much time dealing with his depression I didn't notice my problems. I started to self medicate with alcohol and pot until I was 18. During highschool I lived on vodka, pot, coke and hoho's. I stayed about 160lbs. At 19 dan and I moved to texas where I continued to binge and reached my HW of 210! I started working and got it down with the help of richard simmons to 180.

I divorced at 20 and got up to 190. Met my bf...hit hard times....ana and mia came for a long visit and yelled and screamed....and I was 129 before I knew it! I ended up with a remission for about 9 months.

But they always come back. I am 134 right now. My first goal is 129.

Next goal 125. Then 120. Then 115.

They always come back.

Wow...this has turned into a rather lengthy page.

Oh yeah...brian (my bf) mentioned on his web page that this year he will get engaged. *sigh*good. I am ready. I am very much in love and I want to be married to him. We have been together for almost 2 years now and I have known him for about 3. It is time for us :)

This wknd I will be in SA so no updates.

For for today:

1 bowl oatmeal with lt margerine

300 cal 6g fat

1/3 of a bagle

30 cal 0g fat

salad with soy sauce

50 cal 0 fat

1 orange

80 cal 0 fat

1 V8

70 cal 9 fat

I hope that dinner is pretty light. :)

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