Yeah another entry today. I wanted to talk about how I feel about me. I have confusing thoughts about myself. I have great hair...fantastic complexion (so great that I have yet to find any make up make me look better than I do without it)...beautiful green eyes...and I am athletic. But I think thats where the joy stops.

Yesterday I stared into the mirror before bed. I turned around to view the rear. I grabbed at the fat over my ribs on my back. it was so mushy. My shoulder blades don't stick out much...and you can tell I have a spine...but you can't see it yet.

The top of my thighs....soft flabby flabb. Jigglejigglejiggle. Even the word jiggle sounds gross. The mush of my upper arms. And I stared at my stomach. I wish...oh how i wish I could fix it. I have damaged it so badly that I can never be perfect. There is so much extra skin! I used to cut and through long term slicing of my belly I have much of the connections between the outer skin and the inner skin. So my belly looks like a baggy fucked up quilt made by a 4 year old 4-H compator. No matter how much I tone and starve and crunch and deny...the skin hangs. It got stretched out to 210lbs....and the outer skin refuses to shrink to the size of the inner skin. I am lucky that my bf loves me..he really really loves me. We began dating at 185lbs. he has been with me through the last 55 or so lbs. He doesn't care what I look like...he is in love with the person I am. So my quilted stomach is nothing to him. *sigh* wish I felt the same.

There is always more fat...always something imperfect. Always another goal. Man I wish I could just go buy a friggin pack of cookies. I might let myself have a mini pack. Oh but I have been oh so good. WHy go and ruin it? I would have to put it on my accountability sheet and see how bad I messed up. I have been so good.

Monday 660 cals

Tuesday 870 cals

Wednesday 765 cals

Thursday, right now I am at 670...but I will eat more today.

As I read in a fabulous diary recently...I have come too far to not be able to say no to a cookie! (or something like that) I can say no to a cookie. I will just imagine that the creamy centers are not yummy and creamy. No. They are made of human fat. Globs of human fat. And people eat them and become big fat beasts. Yuck. I don't really want a cookie now.

-PB

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