Gee. Spend a little while thinking that I was just fine. Not really ana. Whatever. Whatever. I kinda spoke to my bf about it this wknd. I didn't come out and say I have a problem, but he knows that I have been much more obsessive about my body fat than previously. He told me that if he thought I was going overboard and saw me get anorexic again he would make sure I sought treatment. To him, you are ana when you start getting that look. The underweight look. No one ever suspects till you get underweight...hehe. sad huh? Sadly no one cares till then. And the coe crowd? Heh..they are just fat. The mate of a COE never says...well if I see him/her get up to 245, I will make sure they get help. Whatever...they just figure they are fat and lazy.

The world has a twisted view of people with EDs. They think that Anorexics are just self obsessed, vanity driven, hard headed, little waify pain in the asses. Bullimics are just disgusing freaks that want pity. And the world thinks that Compulsive Overeaters are just lazy antisocial fat freaks that don't care about themselves.

Untill our society figures out that all of the above sterotypes are out of order we will never get past our own self destructive behaviours. Last night for the first time I really binged and purged. Before when I would puke I would just puke whatever i had eaten. I would not plan to puke it. Never before did I have a plan. I would just feel bad that I had eaten at all and purge the little that I had consumed. But Last night I found a brand of snackcake that makes vegan oatmeal creampies. Oh how I love those things. I bought a box. I had it open before I even got to the car. Well I had gone in for more diet pills and I guess this grocery store was freakish or something becuase they only had like 2 brands and I didn't want either of them. Well I ate 5 of those individualy wrapped goodies by the time I got home. My roomate wasn't there so I puke and puked. But I didn't get much out. I went running too. but i had to turn around a little early becuase I had a wicked headache. Went to bed early. Woke up and finsihed off the box this morning for breakfast. I promise I will be good. I only packed greens for breakfast this morn and I made myself go get more diet pills.

I hate the way they look at you when you buy diet pills. I don't know if it is just me...but buying them always makes me feel uncomfortable. When I was really fat I felt like they were thinking "gee I hope this fatty starts these as soon as she gets out of here." And now that I am kind of bony up top, i make sure my coat is buttoned up and the fluffy fleece is up to my chin. The big lady today looked at the bottle, turned it around and around, reading the label, then looking up at me...sizing me up...furrows her brow, then scans the bottle. She looks down, raises one eyebrown when she sees yet ANOTHER bottle of diet pills. She glances up at me as she scans that one as well. Well what can I say? THey were a buy one get one free special! At last she scans my obilgatory "other item" which this time was a lint roller. So Swiped my card in the reader, punched in my pin, grabbed my purchase and got the hell out of there.

So what....you can install a rain gauge in the holes of my collar bones, but I have a sumo belly. This belly is my down fall. I know you cannot spot reduce...I am not that silly. SO I must keep up the work...try harder...I will get there.

The new pill for the day is making me a little nauseated now. New pill is Metaboless. Generic metabolife. Its giving me the ZOOOM ZOOM ZOOOOOM that I want. and hey...dont' really feel like eating.

Back to work. I was 1 hour and 20 min late this morn becuase of several accidents on the highway. man that sucked. It took me 2 hours and 20 min to get to work this morn. I live like 20 min away!!!! eh. Could have been worse...could have been one of those people they scraped off hwy 35 this morning.

-perfectbone

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