Ahh...slacker slacker slacker. Well not really. I have been slacking on my diary. But I have not been slacking in general. I have been sooo busy working. I put in my usual 40 here at the office, plus I do the whole ebay thing. That has me running around like an idiot. IN a normal day I wake up and check for questions on my email. Get ready for work. Get to work. Edit some pics to send to my bf for hosting. Then at lunch head to the post office to ship stuff. Come back and place some lunch time ads. After work I run around shopping for stuff to ebay. I get home around 9-9:30 Exhausted do some chores and what not...and run. Then crash. So that is busy.

Gawd I am such a mess. My birthday was great...got a Nike MP3 player that straps to my arm, an Isotonic pillow...you know...the memory foam type, Tori's Scarlets Walk, some faeries & hairs stuff and other stuff. It was good. Everyone stuffed me like mad...every single day. Someone wanted to take me somewhere. B & I went for italian to celebrate our anniversary, then friday Claire took me out for Mexican lunch w/ margaritas, Sat lunch his parents took me out for Chinese, and Sat dinner me and my friends went out for a blowout of an Indian dinner.

But I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I have stopped eating lunch. Cuts calories...plus less bother. Plus less expense. Still taking diet pills too. They help me stay awake too. But yesterday. Gawd yesterday i was a hoggy hoggy hoggy. at lunch I picked up a thing of oatmeal cream pies. They were vegan & had 5 g of fat w/ 130 cals per cookie. Well I ate 4 at lunch time. 4! Binged right there in the car. Unwrapping them hastily. Shoving them in my mouth. Chew CHew CHEW. I kept thinking that I should take the other 4 into the office and give them away. But I didn't. no...i left the box in my car. When I got out of work...I felt like I was practicaly running to my car. I got in, started the engine set the box beside me...and I managed to get out of the parking lot before I got out a cookie. I ate the last four within 10 min. Reaching into that box...driving while unwrapping each one...attempting to savor them, but really I was shoving, not savoring. Till I felt full in the belly...till I had even eaten the crumbs off my shirt. How foul I am. Pittiful.

Sometimes I am good...sometimes I am bad. I have not put on any real weight....my weight changes all day. I weigh in the morn and it is 132 (yay I got back to my LOWEST EVER!) but I weigh at night and it is 136 usualy. So I am somewhere there. I still run when I can. Alice's bf, sam, has been over a lot so I have not been able to do much pilates. That is not something you do in front of some man old enough to be your father....that isn't in fact your father.

In general I am still quite twisted and confused. I binge because I restrict and I restrict becuase I binge. What a world. What a F*cking world! So thats where I am at again. But I am not puking. No-siree-bob. not puking. I don't want to go back there.

Today I was thinking...I figure I will probably die of heart failure one day. Probably not anytime really soon..I hope. But I bet my heart will give out before the rest of me. Well first off, I have a thyroid problem. When left untreated one of the things it causes is the hardening of the heart muscles. Well my problem was untreated for who knows how long. Also I use ephedrine diet pills. Eh...we all know the warnings. We all know the risks. We all have seen the stories "Teen athlete dies after taking performance drug containing Ephedrine." And lastly...previous history of bullimia and current issues with ana. I don't eat right for normal standards...not by a long shot! Eh...so I figure Im gonna keel over one day while running. Ya see...mias die hanging over the toilet, or fall back and crack their heads open on the tub or the floor. But anas...they die softly. Their body wastes away...the body stops all non-essential functions. eventually since the person doesn't move, doesn't eat, & stays cold...the heart figures it made a mistake by beating...then it stops. Well really there just isn't anything left to keep it beating. No reserves left at all.

So I figure I am in the middle. I have plenty of reserve. And I have not been over a toilet bowel for a while.

*sigh* So what am I doing with myself? A whole latta nuthin! I don't talk to many of my friends any more....I haven't heard from Pocket since Samhain. Haven't heard from Lindsay since then either. Sure I talk to claire...and I do love claire...but when you are all each other has...it can drive you bazonkers. Brian and I are better than ever though. Still madly in love after 2 years. No problem there :)

Well catch ya later...got 10 min before I leave. So I am gonna use it to check out the other chicky-poohs on my fav list :

-perfectbone

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