<< Bitter Bitching >>
2003-04-17, 9:09 a.m.

OH make the pain go away!

I just don't know what is worse today....fat or pain.

I was trying to get dressed this morn and I almost called in becuase I am so embarrased about my fat. Nothing looked right this morn and I am fatter than usual. My belly is hanging over my pants today.

I binged on lil' dreamers yesterday...those are soy icecream sandwiches. Each one is 3g fat and 60 cals. I think I ate like 8 last night. I was stuffing myself silly. Then I had a soyrizo & tofu breakfast taco...then I had a bowl of cereal. AND at lunch I went out with the girls for chinese, I had buddahs delight. I ate a weeks worth of food in one day. Maybe that is why Im fat. Its all in there as we speak...taco...soyicecream, tons of rice and veggies, cherios, this mornings blue corn pancake. I am so embarrased. God I am so ashamed. I wish I could hide.

In addition to that my neck pain is awful today. My head hurts...I have shooting pains from my neck and shoulders into my skull. Moving hurts sitting still hurts. Sometimes my hands don't do what they are supposed to. And sometimes I get things all wrong. Driving this morning was a bitch.

Man I am oh so fucking broken. I want to trade in this body for another one. WIsh I could. Depression, migranes, kidney problems, scalp problems, hypothyroid, allergies out the wazoo, astigmatism, tendonitis, anemia, & to top it off I still have several baby teeth and a third nipple! Well the third nipple never hurt anything and the baby teeth will be fine for oh...a couple more years? Who knows...Im 23 and they expected me to have falsies by 21. So who knows.

So anyhow, I take plenty of medications, and vitamins during the day and I hate it. 7AM:Take Birthcontrol pill (don't need another headache in my life), Effexor, Thyroid, & Calcium. 1pm:Vegan multivite & Magnesium suppliment. 7pm: multivite & calcium suppliment. Now if I have sex I have to take an antibiotic afterward to help fight off any bacteria. If my tendonitis acts up I have to take an anti-inflamatory 2 times a day for about 2 wks. Plus As you know I am a diet pill junkie. So add those into the mix as well at any given time. I take 10-15 pills a day on any given day...and that is if I am WELL! SO I get pissed when something else goes wrong.

I don't like being sick. I am active, I like to do things. I don't like anything in my way at any time. I don't like complaining and I don't like going to the doctors. I hate taking medication as well. I do remember once upon a time when I only took one pill a day. Fucking bliss.

Sorry I guess I am just bitter. I am bitter becuase I cannot get out and friggin run. No running,no hiking, kayaking, climbing, nada. FUCking NOthing. I can't do any of it becuase I am in pain right now. SO I am piss becuase I am fat and I hurt.

pathetic. Im grumpy about it.

Give me a day...I'll get over it.

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