<< Just bitchin >>
2003-05-15, 12:47 p.m.

This morning I was extreemly depressed. i was on the way to work and all i coudl think about was that I looked pregnant. the dress was clinging to my every curve.

i was late to work bcuase i stopped at walmart (the only clothign place you can find at 7:45am) and picked up a top and some capris. i still look fat. only now I look like a fat person dressed this way becase I know I am fat. Not like a fat chick trying to get away with normal clothes.

As part of the plan to stop the binges I brought some lunch. tofu & broccoli with sweet & sour sauce. I ate it. I feel full.

Last night i binged. I f*cking binged. I knew I was doing it too. In fact mid way through i got a phone call...had to put the food down and talked. Then picked it right back up. I hate myself. Counting my binge I ate 1800 cals. :-(

I weighed in at I 139 this morn. My new pants feeling snug. I am so embarrased I don't want to be seen. My face is fatter and so are my arms. how can a few lbs look so different/ I bvet I am losing muscle tone too since I can't run or do pilates right now.

I took a diuretic this morn....plus diet pill...gonna take another one now. Just too fat.

I have a bad headache starting up. like a spear rammed throuigh my left eye back out my head. i hate the pain. I have a doc appointment today. Don't know why the F*ck he want's to see me. i haven't had much change since last thurs.

I don't know what to do with myself. I just don't! I wish i could have lipo. The long wand digging through my skin...dancing around...sucking up the fat forever. Gawd. i want to starve but I know that my body is very very bad. It isn't in the mood to listen....it will just f*cking eat in a frenzy then I will be worse off....end up with my hand in a tub of peanut butter or something. I crack the whip but it doesn't listen. I can't control it if I con't exercise. exercise means to much to me. I hate being injured. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I am going to the beach this wknd. I'm embarrased to be seen in my swimsuit.

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