2nd entry today

So far I have spent my lunch break eating bagle chips and reading...and rereading and thinking, and rethinking about what I should do. Damn it's difficult.

What am I so afraid of? WHat?

I keep thinking that if I do not forcibly change my life then I will indeed live a very mediocre life. I keep thinking about how happy it would make me to go to herron (art school) how incredible it would be.

I think about how it can't happen here. I am so afraid of the wild card. I never used to be afraid of the wild card before. Not when I left dan, that's for certain. But somethings have changed since I left dan in 2000. Since then I have found that as much as I want to, I cannot fully take care of myself for any length of time. I am not being pessimistic about it, or even overly dramatic...I really can't. To take care of my pets, my own needs, bills, work, and the whole shabang, all my myself- it's more than I can handle. I am not a physicaly or mentaly stable person.

WHy the fuck does anyone want an unstable person??? WHY??? These days i spend a great deal of my time in physical pain every day. And my mind...well i'm pretty damn screwed up in there. If I didn't live with someone, I know I would be hurting myself right now, but I know I can't get away with it since b see's me unclothed each day. And you know what!? I'm friggin hearing things too! I have been for a little while now. Sometimes it's repetative noises. After a phone rings, it seems to echo in my head sometimes. Like an ocd kind of thing. often when i am trying to relax at home I hear a radio...very faint...always stuck on 80's euro-pop and I can't quite hear all the words...or fully make out the tune...but I can hear it. And the other day I heard a voice. A very REAL voice of a man. Now of course I am not going to tell my doc about this beucase he will give me meds. THese things are not creating a "problem" and they are not disruptive or anything of the sort. But obviously I have a problem.

I keep thinking about how much jeff does care...how he tries so hard and cares sooo friggin much about me, no matter how much I push him away (and god knows I push everything away from me all the time). I think about how brian seems to soo easily let me go. I know b loves me...but how can he say "you either choose me or not me" so easily? why doesn't he say something about compromise or working on things. I have jumped up on this man like a puppy for so long..."love me love me love me" and he repsonds with "down girl" pats my head and goes about his business.

Damn wild cards. I just fear so much that jeff will not be able to handle me. I'm just so much to take! It's friggin pathetic but I requre "care." I hate to say that I need someone to take "care" of me, but I know I do. B has been so organized and dependable about taking care of me when I am sick.

but I know that jeff is the kind of man that won't let you down. He's not that kind of guy. Although he does procrastinate more than an american at tax time, he is dependable and will do what needs to be done, if it really NEEDS to be done.

B has even confessed to the world how much he hurt me and how thankful he is to have me in his life. he wrote in his journal even....that he cheated on me. I know he has tried to make amends for the things he has done wrong. He has tried to change many things so that I can be happier.

I want to be smothered in love but when I am, I push. WHen I am not smothered in love I beg for it and when I don't get it...I, I guess I push too. Why the hell do i push people when it comes to love.

WHy the hell can't I just be a happy normal person???

-Perfectbone

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