<< Grey street >>
2004-05-07, 8:57 a.m.

1st today

I'm exhausted. 100% tired from the the drama. 100% tired from work.

So many times I have contemplated running my car off the side of a really high overpass, or maybe jumping in front of a car. World give me five minutes, please...just five.

Enough of my whining about being tired, I have to deal anyhow.

Right now I am standing on a see-saw, right in the middle. The other day I caught the springer show while I was at the auto shop. The worst lines you ever hear on a talk show are in reference to when a guy has been horrible to a woman and the woman says "oh but I love him." It makes you want to shake her and smack her.

Once I really felt that "once a cheater always a cheater." I did think that people could not change. But then I had to face something horrible that I had done as well. I don't talk about it becuase I just don't. It's worse than you could imagine and I condsider it moraly second to murder. But did I change? Will I do it again? Of course I changed, and no way in hell would I do it again. I waso messed up in life that I really screwed up.

Becuase I have seen that within myself, I have to believe that people can change. I changed becuase i chose had to. I couldn't allow that to ever happen again. I dont' want to be that person.

However....here's the big HOWEVER. It doesn't change the fact that I was a bad person. That I did in fact do something very wrong.

Yesterday a previous friend of b's left a note on my other journal stating that b was messing around in one way or another again. If it's true or not true, Hell if I know 100% for certain. However, just that I think it could be true....that hurts.

It shouldn't be that way.

Damn it...you know what. If b wasn't in the picture at all....if he had never exhisted...I know I would running to jeff with open arms begging for his adoration.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

-pb

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