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2004-05-10, 5:18 a.m.

1st of the day

It's the wee hours of the morn and my eyes are still a bit bleary from sleep. Well, not so much sleep as just mere darkness.

I woke up being smacked then having my arm pulled as if in some wrestling match. B doesn't get the normal sleep paralysis that people are supposed to get. Instead he acts out his dreams, which quite often wakes me and leaves me mildly uncomfortable and sometimes bruised. He tried to yank my left arm out of socket in his sleep. Yowch.

I had the strangest dreams. Without Ambien I remember all my dreams...and they are weird. I dreamed about a lot of houses. And across the street from my house lived Eric...a man I used to work with. Eric had quite QUITE an interest in me. If he hadn't of been a semi-sorta stalker he and I could have been such wonderful friends. Anyhow...he lived across the street in my dream and drove a wrangler. I dreamed that it was raining and that I was sort of having a romantic relationship with him. I would run over there and kiss him and have to go home again. How odd.

I also dreamed about walking through an apartment complex where many people had been murdered. Then I was in one apartment watching two police officers trying to figure it out. They were father and son. As soon as the son figured it out.....the father killed him, becuase he was the murderer.

I guess they aren't all odd dreams really, since they all came from my realities. The murder was from watching Dogma tonight (you know...the end scene when Loki and Bartlebe kill people), the jeep came from an ad i read about a wrangler with more space. The apartment...well, I don't know. And does it really matter anyhow????

Last night was particularly frustrating. Like most people, I enjoy a damn good romp in the hay. So I went in search of some physical pleasure and my advances were rebuffed. He said "maybe after we fold clothes." Bah! So I grabbed a laundry basket and proceded to get to work.

All is said and done, laundry folded, he gets ready for bed and so on. We were there and he decided to go for it. Sometimes I forget that I have to be careful with my mouth....otherwise I won't get much of anything in return, and things are sometimes too rushed anyhow. So I stop and we go on to our regularly scheduled program. It's all good and swell and I'm pretty damn close then it's all over....leaving me with that all too familiar "what the hell???" feeling. So I held him close and told him that I wanted more that I needed more. I offer up the possibility of implements (he has never touched em!) and he refuses and says he can do it himself. Well he tries...and tries...but although he is trying for me...he is obviously "goal" oriented. It didn't work. He thinks it did...but it didn't.

I'm the kind of gal that plays for the fun of the game. In fact...if I'm having such a good time playing the game, I don't give a damn about the final score. Without all the metaphors and euphamisms...s3x, m@king love, or scr3wing is not about getting to that final big bang! Not at all, to me it's about enjoying the ride, expressing yourself, and sharing something. When I am rushed and I don't get to enjoy the ride, all I get to hope for is the finale....but it happens less than 50% of the time when it is "expected" of me, thought it appears to be about 98% of the time. If it didn't appear to be more, he would be crushed, his manhood would be shot, he would feel like a failure, and I wouldn't get any at all.

So what did I get left with? Where am I now? I'm sitting on my big fluffy brown chair at home. 15 minutes till I was supposed to be up. I wonder what I will have for breakfast?

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