<< Looking up at the mountain >>
2004-05-19, 12:23 p.m.

I just can't deal. That's the main problem right now. When I feel this way, normal things seem so massive..so friggin massive! But I think I was fine a few days ago.

This morning, getting ready was a struggle. I went to bed at 8pm last night (way early) and woke up at 3am. Had a piece of bread, a dab of soymilk and loved on the kitties a bit. I went to bed about 4:30. At 6, I just couldn't get up...b had to drag me. I ate breakfast w/o speaking. Then got back into bed only to be pried out. He had to help me to take a shower too. While he packed my lunch, readied my waterbottle, found my badge, located my phone & sunglasses I stood wearing my undies...staring blankly into the closet. It was as if nothing was suitable. So he came in to help me with that. Surprisingly, despite the fact that we were running late, he didn't lose patience with me. He picked out a pair of pants and a shirt for me, then left me to get dressed. I swear that some day's I am absolutly incapable of taking care of myself. What the hell would I do if i actually had to?? Previously, or pre-B...I had to get up about 2-2.5 hours early for work because I knew I would lose my focus, get distracted by something, fall back asleep, or spend too long trying to find clothing.

I know my father doesn't want to admit I have a problem, nah, I'm too perfect for that. I'm just having a rotten spell. Yeah, that's it. Becuase to him, the only ones that have a problem, are the really crazy ones...the ones that see spots and mumble about things. People like me (though he doesn't include me in this list personaly) are just lazy. They are hiding behind their diagnosis. They need to buck up and get with the program.

Things are just too big to handle some days, it's tough. I have a lot of pressure right now too, and that makes it harder...so much harder. There are debts to be paid, trips to be made, camping stuff to be bought, packing to be done, and so much. Plus I am trying to deal with both B and Jeff, plus my best friend is depressed, I feel guilty even looking at b's mom, I need to do more, I need to do less. All this stuff if just too much for me some times.

Sometimes I am great at dealing with conflict or stress....but I go through periods that leave me depressed and incapacitated. I have been having horrible thoughts more and more lately. Visions of laying my skin open. Hoping that maybe I will drive off the overpass. Maybe terrorists will attack this government building? It's sad that I want to die only to avoid dealing with anything. It hurts far too much to deal with anything, it's agony!

Gawd I feel such a snot! It is so selfish of me to want that. I know so many people love me. In fact, I'm INCREDIBLY loved and INCREDIBLY liked. I know that. I have a lot of things to do in life, but it all seems too hard.

I want to hide under the bed or in the closet till it all passes.

My rolodex is open right now to the number for my mental health clinic (for my shrink and therapist) I suppose i should call it.

*sigh* I suppose I should...

-pb

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