3rd entry today

Yeah, so It all got deleted. All of it.

But I guess I will give a re-do. A short one.

When I went to indiana, I got to spend three days with jeff. and Not whole days, mind you, but small chunks. It took us 5 hours to get home from the airport (it usualy takes 2) becuase we kept getting lost. We were so distracted by our converstations...that we were very very lost!

Another night we made out in the car like a couple of teenagers. His clothes stayed on...only my top came off. No hands below the belt either. We were really well behaved...but it was so incredibly exciting. Intoxicating. Full moon too. He knows just where to kiss...just how to nibble right, If I didn't know better, i would swear this man has been woooooing hundreds of women his whole life. But i know better...and that's not the case. He seems to prefer to only share himself with those he really cares about.

Anyhow. Where does that leave me?? Yes, I'm in texas. Yes, I live with b. Yes, I have an engagement ring on my finger. B knows about jeff. He doesn't know about certain intimacies, but he knows about some feelings involved. Before you cast judgement on anything, please keep in mind that b has cheated on me before...and had online "relationships" of a romantic and/or sexu@l nature with more women than I can count, one of which I know was under age! I on the other hand, have not had any kind of intimate contact with anyone (but b)since he and I got together, over three years ago. I have had tons of chances (really tons!) but I have been "good." I never wanted anyone to get hurt.

But I am so lonely. I have given b so many chances to give me the affection i BEG from him. B is my friend...and he doesn't give me much more than that. I beg, I try, I have pleaded. I had stayed with him through horrid times and wonderful times.

B believes that I am "the one" for him. Jeff believes that I am "the one" for him. What do I belive, you ask?

All I can say is...I quite non-committal about this topic. I am in no place to know what I really believe at this point. I am in a dysfunctional relationship with b how can I know what I want?

Jeff has been more than patient. He has also been able to be comfortable with the fact that I am not in a hurry. That I want he and I to be friends. (granted, I am unconventional in my physical relationships and boundaries with some very very select friends). Jeff has persisted though I push and push and push him away. Why? Becuase he knows me.

Anyhow. I have to figure out what to do soon. Very soon. My lease will be up, and i have to decide about b. He's not oblivious, mind you, he and I have had many many "come to jesus" sessions.

I'll keep you posted.

-miss perfectbone

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