1st today

Today is a less than great day...little lower than usual.

Tuesday night i had to talk to b.

I laid it all out for him: I need more attention than you can provide, I am much more adventurous in bed than you can be, I feel like my life won't amount to anything as long as we are together, I miss my family and IN, I can't handle his drinking, I don't like that I find myself saying "sorry" all the time, I annoy him a lot, I end up feeling immature, lazy, and sloppy, becuase I am different from him, oh and the list goes on!!

Sure I did it slowly, and factualy, and nicely. He cried so much. He didn't try to pull away like he usualy does during a "problem" talk. He told me what a fool and an ass he has been to take me for granted, to assume I would just be htere. He told me that he wan'ts what we had back. How he remembered when we went to the herb farm and I was runing and dancing in a giant star shaped from herbs, and how beautiful I was becuase I was so happy and smiling. He told me that he has always wanted to marry a woman like me. That If he didn't have me, he woudl spend forever looking for me. LIke a part of him was missing. He told me that he sees how his drinking has made him a different person esp in bed. He said he had been doing it "to fit in" with the guys, but that he would rather look like an ass to them and have a clear had, than be an ass to me at home.

I told him that I have made arrangements to go back to IN. TO move w/o him. He knows this is all real, no threats, nothing of the sort. He begs for the opportunity to be a better person.

I told him that I want him to be a better person, but for himself, not for me. I want him to find himself...for his own sake. To be what he wants to be for himself. I dont' want him to make any compromises of himself for my sake. I never said I would cancle my plans to leave, but he can be as nice and sweet as he wants to be. I know he is hoping he can change my mind.

Right now it all hurts so bad that I want to die. I want to just "check out" and not be a part of any of this anymore. Jeff said that it must be confusing for me to have different men that I love, tell me that I am "the one" for them. Hell yeah....it is.

This is another girls paradise you know....but not mine.

I know the whole thing inside and out.

I know that b will likely revert to taking me for granted if I stayed. I often figure that they all do. I know b so well.

I know what jeff is like...I know how kind and sensitive he is.

He did piss me off yesterday. I know he means well. And I know he doesn't want to be hurt either....but he was pushing me to say things to b. Pushing me to be tougher. I told him that I will do things at MY pace and MY way. It really frustrates me. I have broken up with many guys. Plenty of them. I know how to do this, and none of it's ever pretty.

But I am a mess. It's harder than usual. I keep going to the store for razors and keep talking myself out of it. I have been using my nails. I have been dying to puke. God...I just want to purge so badly....so much it hurts. Just to make it all go away.

But i have to be strong...I can do it.

-pb

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