4th today

I'm still feeling icky.

I'm kinda dizzy becuase I haven't eaten since yesterday. Well, I had a bite of rice cake...but I just couldn't eat it. Food just doesn't sound good.

To be really honest, I'm not in that great of shape this week. It's been a tough one. Emotionaly it's been such a rocket ride/ rocket crash.

I haven't been eating well this week. I have been twitching out of my mind becuase I am in a naturaly hyper state lately, then I have been adding to that. Not becuase I need to. Just to. Couple doses of ritalin a day, plus some ephedrine, a few diet dr. peppers, a mug of coffee, and diuretics loaded with caffiene. I'm not overly fond of cigarettes but I have been smoking them for some reason. I cut my left arm this week. Then didn't realize I scratched into my stomach yesterday. I was just laying there...dragging my nail back and forth on my skin. Hell I didn't know i did it till I looked in the mirror later.

Despite taking my Ambien I haven't had a good nights sleep all week. Except for the night I took a double dose. So I got one night.

Obviously I don't cope for $hit. I don't think i ever learned proper coping skills. Not really anyhow. Growing up, my sister coped by eating, my mum coped by staying pinky thin and drunk.

Unless you understand what it is like to be self destructive, I guess this all seems like stupidity. But people like me, people that have some sort of hindered coping mechanism, have to bring all their emotions to the surface. Happy, sad, it all comes to my skin. Sometimes my feelings are so intense you can taste them.

I wonder if I will have sex with robert? It might make me feel better. He knows I am only interested in him for friendship and possibly sex. So thankfully it won't complicate my already shaken world.

I do wish that jeff were closer though. I know he could make me feel better. he can't make it all go away...but he sure makes me feel a lot better.

-PB

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