2nd entry today

So it has been about a week since B and I officialy split. I still hurt and I do miss him. I'm going to miss him for a long time.

In other news I am high and dry for cash. He's not paying my med bills or the loan payment, so I am in the hole for a grand this month. Have to go cry to daddy. gawd damn it. I'm soo not into that. But I will pay him back.

B is not thrilled about me seeing earl. He continues to say what I do is my business, but yet he want's to know what's going on between he and I. Well the truth is I like earl. He's nice, he's fun, and I don't see any reason why I shouldn't have a little fun with him.

Part of me knows that this is all a little "out of character" for me...but not really. This is what I am like in real life...when I don't have to be forced into monogamy. I'm crappy with monogamy...I end up wracked with guilt and shame. I HATE guilt and shame. I want do some of the things I missed out on...the things I miss. Fooling around...staying out late...dating in general!

I don't understand why we are brought up to feel such shame about our sexuality. We are supposed to be ashamed if we fall in love with more than one person at a time. We are to be ashamed if we divorce, have children out of wedlock, have more than X amount of lovers, and of course there is the old double standard....if I a guy gets women, he's cool. If a woman gets men, she's a slut, whore, easy, sure thing, and so on.

I'm reading a woman's history book about the sexual revolution called Make Love Not War. It talks about the pros and cons of it, and how far society has come. (it's not a man hating book, so don't get the wrong idea) heck, even now I am considered different things by different people. Progressive, damaged goods, experienced, mature.

-I've been divorced.

-I have had both male and female lovers. (both sometimes at once)

-I have had a couple of "one night stands."

-and best of all *I have been in love*

My parents would be horrified. But yet...in a way they wouldn't. They view it as my life and I am free to make my own decisions. They see the bad ones and the good ones and they have seen be through both. I'm 24 now, I'm going to be one hell of a wise woman in 40 years ;-)

love,

Perfectbone

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