2nd entry today

Feeling kinda crappy right now...as I am still moving on 2 hours of sleep from last night. Uhhhg.

So continuing on...yeah, I was with earl last night. We laid around and talked a lot, had some fun, then at about 11:30 or so I called b. B was ticked off at me...becuase I lied to him. I thought i was sparing his ego by not telling him what was going on. That I really was "shacked up" with earl as he puts it. B and I are not together anymore. not even close. It is now my business what I do. He doesn't agree. He went on and on yelling at me last night and today too. Maybe I should have told him the truth right off the bat, but I don't think that would have given any better of a result. He thinks that I don't care...that' I am unfazed. Wrong. It hurts. I have been hurting since we broke up...that's why I am amusing myself with other people. They know the score...they know this is for fun, not for a purpose. I thought this was my business.

Anyhow, I undertand that he is really hurt right now, and is saying some things out of anger. But he still hates me. Despite all I put up with, it's negated becuase I am scr3wing someone now. What's up with that?

Anyhow...on wards and upwards..or not ;-)

earl and I were hungry after that yelling session, so we went to denny's. Got back around 2 I think, and enjoyed some more time together. But I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't! I had to be up at 6am this morning. At last around 4, I fell asleep. He had his arms around me and he was yammering away softly in my ear....it lulled me to sleep just as he planned.

In the morning (aka: 2 hours later) the alarm goes off with the radio...blaring the words "Highway to hell" mmmhmm? Interesting. I woke up in a good mood and we at last did the deed this morning. There were technical difficulties last night. Performance anxiety.

So I come to work...same old same old...just with a count down now. My boss hasn't called me, emailed me, or spoken to me in any way. She is about 25 feet from my cubicle. Not a look.

SO I don't have a job lined up...my situation is approaching "unemployed" status. *sigh*

Too tired to contemplate it. Not gonna today. Just gonna go back and see earl. Take a nap. eat some food. enjoy some time.

I can't continue to fuss about all this. I can't keep crying. I can't dwell. I allow myself time to mourn, it hurts inside like a big hollow well that has dried up. But if I don't live my life during this period...I won't be able to get by.

My eating has gone to crap now. It's bad. LUnch is no longer an option. I don't bother with the facade of a lunchbox either. I eat breakfast...maybe toast, maybe oatmeal. Dinner might be a spoon of peanut butter or a jam sandwich. I'm suspecting some loss in lbs. I havent stepped on the scale lately...but my collar bones and face are looking very thin.

I just don't have the appetite. I try...I get full after a few bites. I just can't do it. Oh well, at least I'm not in any danger of losing too much weight...plenty on me anyhow.

-perfectbone

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