1st entry today

Wowsa, what a funkfied past 24 hours.

I started really thinking about staying in texas, not running from everything that has gotten scary or nutty, and staying here where I had friends and people. I have been so tired of upheaving my life...so I thought about staying here, doing my basics courses at the community college in the spring...so that I can save money. That way I will be in less debt after art school.

That was a really great idea, then jeff tries to talk me out of it. He tells me that it's in my best interests, but in reality, it's his own selfishness. I need to do what's right for me, at any given time. I never thought about even leaving b till he came around.

Anyhow....so I tell b that I am going to corpus for business and go off to a motel with earl. I wanted some time alone to get to know him better. We spend all our time around his roomates, and we don't get to talk as much as either of us would like. So he has some days off, and we checked into a motel. Happy and swell evening till i turn on my phone later and find msg from b. He's ticked.

Apparently jeff got to talking to b. Things went awry.

B yelled and screamed at me. I reminded him that he and I are no longer together. That he has said that what I do is my business and that it is not up to him to judge me. I told him all the truth about where I was and what I was doing...and who. Why lie? But there was no way I was going to flaunt it. Heck, honestly I figured I was being considerate for not bringing it home. Why rub it in a mans face? I'm single now, I like to have fun, I have a very s3xual way of being. I like it and I love to love, and love to be loved. Even if that love isn't the lasting kind, all things in life are transient...and i live in the moment.

Not all would agree with it....but I'm 24, I'm single for the first time since I was 15. Gosh darn it, I'm gonna get out there and have fun. All the people in my life know about each other. I live with b so I have spared him the gorey details, but he knows where i have been and who I have been with. He assumed more was going on before now. But it wasn't the case.

ANyhow, b feels that because he had a revalation in april when he came back from ohio, that he is all high and mighty. That it covers for all the lies he told, all the crap he's done. I have been good in this relationship. I have stood by him through lies, cheating, drinking, manipulation, drama, paternity tests, job changes, depressions, you name it. But that doesn't matter to him anymore. He only sees what he wants to see. He knows that I didn't scr3w around while I was with him.

He is convinced i am crazy...he is trying to convice those around me that I need a lot of help. That I need to go into some kind of treatment. It's easier to belive that I am crazy than to admit that I had begged for attention and didn't get it...that maybe things could have been different if he had taken my needs more seriously. Anyone would rather belive that the ex is crazy than to feel like you may have failed (and no I dont think he "failed").

I have checked and double checked to see if I am having problems. I got to wondering becuase word has been spreding like wildfire from him. But now that my medication is stable, now that the titration side effects have worn off, I am feeling "normal." Sure I get sad sometimes, I'm mourning the loss of a 3.5 year relationship. It's normal.

But like I told jeff, I'm screaming in a closet and no one can hear me. I'm not crazy...I am getting help. I see my shrink and therapist regularly. I take my meds. I contemplate my moods, I'm always on the look out for a swing up or down so that I might adjust my behavior (manic-stay away from situations where i might blow money, depressed-try to get out more) to compensate.

I hate that b feels this way, I hate that his ego is so bruised that he can't see what I see. He won't belive anything I say at all, nothing. That's how crazy he thinks I am.

In other news, yeah, spent the night w/ earl, doing another night tonight. We had a wonderful time together and he is so typical pisces-very giving. He was very appreciate of my skills and we had lots of time to talk and get to know each other better.

So what do I know about this guy? Well...he had a meth problem. His mom started dealing to pay for her husbands chemo...he's terminal w/ brain and lung cancer. She wasn't coping well so she ended up using too. Earl wasn't coping so he did too. He may use again, but it's not an issue for me. It's his life....i'm not exactly marrying him or anything. HIs mom is going to jail for her dealings. HIs real father is an abuse alcoholic, his sister is borderline retarded, his brother is an abusive alcoholic too. Therefore earl doesn't drink. Our childhoods were quite similar in their turmoils, but he does have the desire to make something of his life.

He is darling, a pierce-tattoed-biker-pisces boy. Kept me up late. At 7:50 we were still talking, we showered, and we were enjoying ourselves till about 11.

More later...I'll post a bit more later...have to work now.

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