I started my day with Dave Matthews video for Everyday. I turned it on as soon as I got to work. How can it be a bad day when you start with that??? All those people hugging. It makes me want to walk around asking for hugs. It's even more amusing when it's an odd looking guy like they used in the video. That's a lot of love.

Last night I met up with my step dad. Mom sent me some food (moms....they do stuff like that, no matter how old you get.) cigarette coupons, and joe gave me some money. NOt too often I get to walk out of a hotel room with money in my pocket, food in my bag, and I didn't have to put out for it. Hahaha. Just kidding! I don't do that.

So that was swell, sat and talked to him for a while. he & I weren't cool when I was a kid, becuase he wasn't interested in raising anymore kids. But now that I am an adult, he sees that I am one of the kids that does come around, and that I am respectful and he also worries about me.

I was pooped last night and my neck was killing me. lack of massages. So I got home, took some tylenol, canceled my plans w/ claire, wrapped the cool pack around my neck and napped. I woke up feeling better. You see...the muscles in my shoulders and neck tense up till they are hard, and it causes headaches and severe pain. I think it's likely part of the fibromyalgia...mostly becuase the docs can't find anything wrong. I have had MRI, CT scan, Xrays, you name it. The only real problem that has been bugging me is the arthritis caused my my psoriasis. They say it will get worse. Right now it mostly effects my knees. The joints get so hot and painful. Even the skin gets hot. But it isn't all the time...so I don't care. I'll live.

So this is my last day here. My last day on this job. Freaky. This is the second time in my life i have left a job with no job to go to. It seems terribly irresponsible, and it does go against every grain of my being. I'm a "good girl." I pay my bills, insure my car properly, feed my cats quality cat food...the whole bit. To go without a job is freaky. But I am taking it easy this round. I have been doing my part by applying for eveyrhting in sight. Submitting my resume to everyone everywhere. I have faith.

I picked up some incense yesterday while at planet K. I need to redo my coffee table and make it into my current altar. I am deeply religous and I know that i have not been paying enough homage to the gods and goddesses lately. They tend to through your life into a whirlpool when they are neglected. The moon is waning right now...just after the blue moon (second full moon in a month). I think it's the best time to do some "letting go" of b.

I did some symbolic sweeping outside on saturday. I also trimmed all the herbs. Cutting off the dry and dead parts. I will continue to work on all the plants in the coming days, and make sure all the dead is gone at the time of the new moon on the 15th.

Also I bought a lawn mower and some lawn equipment. Really cheap too! Now I still need a bed, a couch, and I want a composter. I know I can make a composter, but I want the turning kind. I also plan on putting together a worm farm with an old cooler. You can put your kitchen scraps in there. The nozle on the side allows you to drain off the "worm tea" and you put that into your plants. it's good for them. They make a whole set up for this stuff, but I'd just as soon use a cooler. We always had a worm farm growing up. My dad always had worms for fishing, and we split the kitchen waste (becuase we had a big big family) between worms and composter.

Yeah, my family recycled long before it was cool. Wanna make something of it?

I'm sure you are bored of reading by now...but I'm feeling talkative today.

It's kind of sad to leave here, just a little. But I feel something good. I feel some positive changes rolling in.

B has been freaked by some of the more recent changes. bUt I try to explain to him that it's normal after a breakup. It's a rebellion. I have been more wild. He's freaking becuase I bought some new t-shirts. Coal chamber and 2 godsmack. He said I never used to buy concert shirts. I beg to differ! My closet contains, 3 tori shirts, 3 dave matthews, 1 lilith fair shirt, and 2 jazz shirts. Maybe some others too. Hey...got a good deal on the news ones at the thrift shop. He's just looking for ammo.

I told jeff yesterday not to come to visit me. Not becuase I don't want to see him. Which soudns odd right? But no...becuase I couldn't handle having him come for a short time and leave again. Not right now. I'm still too tender. I wouldn't be able to handle it. It's one thing for me to see guys around here...becuase I don't love them. I can hang out, have fun, get a little somthin'-somethin', and go on. I don't get attached to these guys. Jeff on the other hand, I do care about him. It's just the worng time in my life for that.

I need to spend some time getting to know me. I have never done that before. I have been in and out of relationships since my first boyfriend at about 12. I am drawn to these people in my life...I look for people that I can take care of that can take care of me. very co-dependent. I never spend time taking care of me. The people I am seeking right now, those are people that can't take care of me. People that don't want to take care of me. I need to do it myself. Do it for myself. Build my self esteem.

If I never learn to take care of myself...and learn to stop seeking relationships with people for the sake of having "someone" or to take care of me when I am weak. It never works out right. It's bad.

Have I told you lately how cool Dave Matthews is? I love all kinds of music...but dave. Dave is a god. I think that's why I screwed robert...cause he looks like dave. Speaking of robert...I'll go give him a call, see if he wants a smoke break.

-Perfectbone

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