So last night B stops in for a min to change clothes then heads back out. i tried not to think too much of it, since I was planning on going out as well.

I headed over to Earls place, I get there and he is just getting off the phone. Some girl that just got out of jail. He didn't figure she was ever going to call, but apparently she got busted for meth the day after he gave her his phone number. Freaky.

We didn't do a whole lot last night. Watched some TV, cuddled on the couch a lot, and he napped. Scary Mary kept calling. Scary Mary is a drug dealer. It's the first time I have ever heard of a drug dealer that SCOUTS out business on a regular basis. They have caller id, and they don't pick up then phone when they don't need anything. Mostly becuase she talks earl's ear off.

Well he answers the phone at about 10:25 and he has to be at work at 11. So she begs to come over becuase her scale isn't working and she can't figure out what's wrong with it. She needs to weight out some coke asap, and she isn't too good with the metal scale. So earl agrees to let her come over so he can look at it. He messes with the batteries and tries everything, but it still gives the same messsage "out2" Hmm. Oh well. So I did get to meet Scary Mary. She has the breath of a rotting corpse and a coke nose. She is a dealer to support her drug habit and she is dumb as a pumpkin in an easter basket.

I left for home last night very sad and depressed. I don't think it's my meds...I think it's just the course of things. My fiance is out of the picture and I am lonely. I am feeling very lonely and unfulfilled. Earl can't fill my voids, or drugs, or fun, or sex. I feel so empty now that I am missing that one thing from b that I used to count on. I forgot exactly how it feels. So I was crying when I came home and b was still up. We laid and talked on the bed. It was nice just to be held for a few moments, even if I knew it didn't mean anything.

I remember how this felt....and I don't like it. Nothing can fix it. Nothing can fill the emptyness but me. I just have to have the courage to fill it up for myself.

I lost a few more lbs. down to 141.8. 130's here I come!

perfectbone

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