<< my evening >>
2004-08-13, 9:35 p.m.

2nd entry today

I went to dinner w/ claire tonight. Went to olive garden. Ohhhh bellini. Nummy alcohol goodness.

We talked a lot. we are working on getting back into our friendship. Neither of us likes the estrangement. But it's funny how b always ends up in the conversation.

Speaking of b....he just went out. Reeking of cologne. Bleh. I'm so not into most commercial fragrances. He always made his own blend of oils when he was with me. Today he admitted that he is now officialy "seeing" someone. Duh, I knew that. He knows I've been seeing earl and that I have been dating. We just don't like to rub it in.

It's still hard though. Before claire called me, I was just laying on my bed (in the living room) staring at the ceiling fan. I was pretty low, and I wasn't certain I really wanted to do anything. But I got up, got dressed and went out anyhow. I had a great time, I'm glad I did it.

But it hurts at times...I see the boxes of his things accumulating in the living room....I see decor that I had taken for granted, missing from the walls, empty nails still on the wall. I am sad. Not that I want him back....but I do miss what I had with him. I have some wonderful memories. Memories of warmth and security. I always hated that I had to wonder if he was going after other women.....but I did love knowing that he would be with me anyhow. Sick huh? Since I was "official" to his family, and everything that they wanted, I knew he wouldn't take off. But I would be so insecure that it would hurt. I would find myself searching the cell bill for something out of the ordinary...find myself wondering every time something out of the ordinary happend.

Once someone hurts your heart, betrays your trust like that....you are wounded forever. You can't go back to that innocent state ever again. I wish I could.

But let's not think about negative things.

So what's on my plate for tomorrow. Maybe mowing the lawn....I know I need to do some heavy duty cleaning around these parts, and I need to get some things hooked up on my computer. Just been putting it off. And I need to pick out a new template for my journal. This one is driving me nutz. And I have three people wanting to hang out with me tomorrow. Joe, claire, & earl. *sigh* how will I fit it all in??

It was really nice to be held today. Earl is good about that. He hasn't been doing that lame boy thing any more. No more neglecting to call me after he gets some. He calls me regardless now. Which is nice. I shouldn't be so mean about it. After all, he isn't all take and no give. He is a very affectionate lover. It's a very pisces thing. The only difficult thing in a pisces/pisces escapade is remembering to just sit back and receive. Like most pisces, he too takes pleasure in giving pleasure, and sometimes I have to tell him to chill out and enjoy.

But I do love being held...more than anything, sometimes that's what I really need.

-perfectbone

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