<< Pathetic NO MORE! >>
2004-08-25, 9:40 a.m.

Damn I have been pathetic lately and I really really don't want to be.

HOneslty I have not left the house since monday evening. SUcks eh?

Well anyhow last night I had a migrane and it sucked...then I took some butalbitol (a barbituate based RX pain killer) and I had a bit of a hang over this morn from it.

I am so tired of being depressed. SO fucking tired of it! I have been moping about this breakup. Sure I initiated it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I don't have to feel so crappy though. I want to feel good. So I woke up this morning, threw open all the curtains and decided I need to take care of business.

I have an interview at 3:30 today, then I also have to find a carpet cleaner. The carpet is really making me depressed becuase Zen peed on it. Poor kitty, I know he is distressed right now, and confused. He hates moving and he is worried that he is moving too. Sadly I don't speak cat, so I am doing what I can to reassure him.

ANyhow...I had a talk with b last night. A come clean kind of talk. To find out all the things that he lied about...what the truth was. Becuase there were a lot of lies during our relationship. Sure there were great times, and it wasn't all lies. But I now know a lot more than I did before. I understand a lot more. I think it's time I start to get angry with him. Develope a bit of rage. So let me see...what do I have to be angry about?

He continued to sleep with his ex for several months after we started dating

despite being given a chance to tell the truth (back then) he still lied to me about it, and only told half truths.

He tried to hook up with a 16 year old girl online.

he had women that he kept around to boost his ego online that I found out about.

He friggin allowed me to have to go through so much crap with his pregnant ex.

despite my pleadings, he never bothered to get a paternity test for his ex's child for a friggin year. A year! that was a year I spent in hell...one year plus through her pregnancy!

He continuously lied about who he was, what he wanted, what he did for a living to other people.

He took advantage of my kindness and patience so many times.

Oh lest I forget, he did rape me twice.

He has made me seem like the bad person in this breakup to everyone else. In reality, he destroyed this relationship a long long time ago.

He was never able to give me the attention that I needed and deserved. No, not able...just not friggin willing.

He would lie to me about anything. Just about anything. It got to the point that I never knew what was the truth and what wasn't.

He was never fucking thankful that I gave up my entire life in austin to come live closer to him. He never even considered moving to austin for me. I changed my job, EVERYTHING for him.

I am not the only woman he has ever screwed over, I'm sure there have been many along the way.

Oh let's not forget the fact that he drinks too much.

Despite being a former heroine user, cannot seem to comprehend how I ever used drugs. Claims that I am a stupid person for doing so. That's not the point! He has been there too. He shoudl understand! We all do things we are not proud of, but becuase he is the almighty Brian, he is better than anyone else.

He has acted like a complete bastard since the breakup.

He owes me about 3k.

He was so concerned about his own looks that he never bothered to help me to feel beautiful.

I hated that he was never able to own up to anything he did wrong. I hated that. We all screw up, but if you admit you screwed up...esp when the whole world knows you did it, you are a better person for it. However, you look like an ass when you lie about it.

I am going to try to be as angry as possible at this ass. I have been too forgiving, and he is a bastard and I should be thrilled he is out of my life.

NOW ON TO STARBUCKS!!

-Liberated perfectbone

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