I have had just a little bit of work to do today, not much though. It is kind of strange....they pay me for the 8 hours...but I think I work for maybe 45-60 min a day, on a heavy day.

Been drifting...letting my mind wander. I didn't eat my lunch today...just a few pretzle nibbles. Ate about 2 mini pretzles..maybe 3. I had my dt soda too.

I am having a denial day. One of those days....one of those days that I think I am fine. No problem. Why would "I" have a problem? I'm fine. I'm not sick or anything. I mean, I know i have issues w/ depression and all, but I most certainly don't have an eating disorder. I'm too fat to have an eating disorder. I eat far to much to have an eating disorder. I look at the journals in my buddy list and I feel like such a fraud. Imposter. I go to the shrink next week and I am debating about even telling her anything about my eating habbits. No point really.

You know...about a year ago I started going to counseling becuase I had such bad depression due to the place that I was living. Well more due to that horrific woman that was there, stealing my soul every day. Well anyhow, While I was seeing Audrey, she helped me to realize that it is ok for me to get medical care. Doesn't that seem like the silliest thing? I have struggled with the idea that I don't "need" medical care, or "deserve" medical care. In my head I worry that I am wasting their time. That they will just figure that I am making it all up anyhow. There are others much sicker than I, so why waste the time slot. So now I am better about going to the doctor. I have to go all too often. Previously I had to have some serious pain or the plauge to call a doctor. But you know, I still feel that way about mental health doctors. I still often get the feelign that I might be wasting their time. I wouldn't want to do that would I? Why should I drone on to them just becuase I want to talk to someone.

Sometimes I try to lay it all out to myself...put things into perspective. But I never get a real answer from myself.

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