3rd entry today

SLACKER. Yup...that's what I am being right now. SLACKER ;-) *wink* that's alright though...my focus went out the window about 20 min ago. I did get a lot done.

Oh and I have a metting w/ my boss this week...on friday. Whoo hoo! Why am I happy? well It can't be a bad one...I haven't screwed anything up in at least a week! ;-) So It is probably a "let's touch base" meeting. Oh I think i also have my 6 month evaluation due by March 1. So maybe we will be doing that. I will be sure not to do the "dress down friday" sort of thing, if that is the case.

I have had an odd habit as of late. I continuously buy cinnimon trident. Maybe that doesn't sound all that odd to you, however, I have plenty. I buy one every time I go to the gas station, and I don't know why. I have one in my car, two new ones in my desk, and 1 open one sitting here next to me. I like variety so I keep the bubblegum flavor and mint around as well. That would be spearmint, NOT peppermint. I HATE peppermint with a passion. So...of all the flavors to buy...i keep picking up the cinnimon. Well, I have to admit it is the best of them. Don't even try the cherry, it is foul.

An interesting video is on right now (sometimes I watch videos at work) Toby Lightman, Angels & Devils. I think I like her. Never heard her before. She plays accoustic. The song is about her guy cheating on her...and how she is going to greet him at the other womans door. Hmm. It also talks about how she won't keep him around.

I have spoken to claire at length many times about to keep a guy if he cheats or not. We all know I kept him...well for a while. However, I did once have strong feelings about this very topic.

Early in our relationship I do remember sitting at candlelight cafe. Outside, in the metal chairs. The sun was still up and he was leaning back with his feet up on another chair. We were chatting and he asked me if I had ever taken back a cheater. I told him that it had never happend to me before. That I believed in talking about things like that before they happen. That I have always had very open and therefore honest relationships. He then asked me what I would do in that situation. I replied "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I did fully believe that. He didn't say much about it. Somehow I thought the time he cheated on his ex girlfriend was different. Different becuase she had cheated on him first. However...they were still "together" at the time, so it doesn't make it any less dishonest. I didn't think much of the question at that time. No different than any other.

Flash forward a couple of weeks. Back at candlelight. The sun was shining really bright that day and I was wearing a tank top. We were at a different table that day. I had bummed a cig, tho I didn't normaly smoke. I had a "flash." I get those...preminitions. I said very clearly to him, "you are going to hurt me. You are going to hurt me so badly." And he looked at me, and asked what I meant. I told him that I didn't really know...all I knew was just that. Somehow he would hurt me.

And so he did...so many times again and again and again. Like the time I went to see Depech Mode w/ lindsay. He had arranged to see Depech Mode with his ex girlfriend the day after...rather than going with me. Of course he didn't tell me it was her till the day before. That was a big stab.

Honestly....there were a lot of stab wounds. You know how I managed to stay with him? I did the same thing I did for my mother...I split him down the middle. There was brian "before" and now Brian "after." Brian after would never do those things...he learned so much *eye roll* That he could not hurt me ever again. Brian before was immature and under stress and didn't know what a good thing he had.

Yeah....whatever. Bad news...there is only one brian. and for that brian.....it's game over.

big f*ing GAME OVER. YOU LOSE SUCKER.

pb

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