<< Why do you think EVERYTHING is all about YOU?? >>
2004-02-25, 9:43 a.m.

2nd entry today

Yeah, yesterday kinda sucked. I had a shitty ride home. I called B to tell him that I could not have dinner w/ his family in the evening. That I couldn't face people today becuase I felt so awful.

Then I got home, crawled into my PJ's and flopped into bed. B came home about 15 min later. He took off his jewlery, and turned on his computer. Although I left the front door standing wide open, he didn't even think about the fact that I was home. about 30 min later he walks into the bedroom and flips on the bright florecent lights. Damn it, I hate when he does that. He starts quizing me about whats wrong and why and how can he fix it. He always want's a reason and he always wants a solution. I try again and again in vain to explain that I don't have answers like that.

He ended up really angry with me and wrote a shitty email for me that I refused to read.

I called him back to talk. I explained to him that although he can't fix me, (and I don't expect him to) sometimes I just need him to listen , to pay attention to me. He did something amazing yesterday though. For the first time, he sincerely appologized for all the shit he put me through w/ trish. He acknowledged all of his actions one by one, admitted that he treated me like crap, told me that he was very selfish to do so as well. He has never done this. I thanked him and told him that I really needed him to say those things to me...but those are things that you don't ASK someone to say. That would be meaningless. He told me that he swore he had told me how sorry he was previously. I disagreed...I told him that I have been waiting for years for him to say all the things he said last night.

But here is the one thing that bugs me sensless! One thing I cannot friggin STAND about b. GRRRRR. He is so selfish and narcisitic. EVERYTHING always has to relate back to him. ALWAYS. He is under the impression that everyone everywhere want's to know everything about him, and that it is his obligation to spew forth his shit.

Take this for example. Shitty day yesterday. I break down and tell him everything about it...i'm sobbing...I'm a mess...I'm in agony. He gives me a hug and tells me it's ok, then overrides anything I can possibly say by going on and on about himself for the next half hour. I wanted to scream "you bastard! This isn't about you! You fucking bastard! Don't you have a clue?!" But I just stayed quiet. I was so angry that I managed to stop crying.

I then filled up my water bottle and washed my face. And got on the computer. Didn't take long before Jeff showed up on Icq. What a doll.

He made me feel a lot better.

I am supposed to see the therapist tomorrow, which is a good thing. I noticed that my skin picking seems to be out of control again. I didn't even have a clue. I don't often pay that much attention to my legs. (currently the focus of my picking has been my legs. as they tend to be covered this time of year) I hadn't noticed that my legs looked so awful! I'm covered in friggin sores...why do I do these things? Why is that getting worse right now?

I guess normal isn't interesting enough for me huh? I have to go and be as crazy as humanly possible right?

-PB

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