Ahh another day another dollar.

lastnight I was really hard on my honey. i was mad that he had gone out with shannon and i was mean and nasty and bitchy. I was hurt. I felt confused. He never really told me much about how he really feels about her and stuff. and he really sees her as a big sis and stuff. but he never told me. so I was left to assume the worst. he tells the guys that he is staying in so that they don't take it personaly that he is out with someone else other than them. So then when I find out that the guys thought he was at home I immediatly do the "girl thing" and think the worst.

Women are different in that respect. We over think every god damn thing. A mechanic tells us we have a minor oil leak. A girl will immediatly want to know: How minor? how did it happen? Do these things just happen or did I cause it to happen? is it going to hurt the environment? can it be fixed? will it cost a lot to be fixed? Will it take all day? and on and on. However a guy will respond "Yup. thought so." and thats that.

We gals think about EVERYTHING. I do belive that is why we are the primary victims of eating disorders. The men that do get them are usualy much more inclined to be more sensitive and thoughtful men.

My disorder stems from the fact that I internalize everything. When I am feeling the most unloved or slighted I starve so hardcore. When I am in a very "mia" phase, it comes down to this: Puking is akin to purging my emotions. I feel that I can puke out the bad feelings. I can purge that feeling of shame or pain deep from my soul out my mouth. since I cannot bring the words of pain out my mouth, I will purge.

When I starve i feel like an empty hole. i lose my appetite...I focus on how Iwill be thin. How that matters. How frail I can be...how I can just dissapear.

Pro ana? Anti ana? I guess i should address that eventually. I am not pro-ed. I am not anti-ed. i just am. i can't say that what I do to my body is great. starving, binging, purging. I have had the downside to it. Messed up metabolism. worried comments. shame. but I cannot say that I want to stop but I cannot say that I want to keep going. A person with an eating disorder is not normal in the head. its true...many suffer from panic disorders, depression, or ocd. There is all to often some shame. But yet many of us chose to make ourselves feel "normal" by looking at the brighter side of things. Trying to find some kind of pride in our disordered behavor keeps us positive. The "pro-ana movement" as some call it, is just a group of people that have resigned themselves to their disorder. I don't see how that is so bad. often I feel the same way. Although we know the behavior is destructive, we would like to think that we have a choice. in truth we don't. I have never met a person that wanted to have an eating disorder, got one, lost a lot of lbs due to said disorder, and actually reached underweight. Those that are just fat and want this disorder might be able to handle a strict diet for a while. Or they might be able to handle the occasional puke. But they don't necisarily end up with a disorder. They are in a way lucky.

When it first occoured to me that I had a problem, and I foudn the pro-ana sites, I felt like a fake. I felt like I was pretending, that I could just "stop." But that wasn't true. i have had disordered eating for a very long time. My mom used to give me food as love. In 5th grade I began dieting becuase I was fat. I would have tiny portions of food set aside for myself. 6th grade I gave up lunch. 7th grade I gave up cheese and mayo because no one could see those things. 8th grade i began starving on weekends becuase I was always with my friends and I could get away with it. I was slicing and dicing my body for years. depressed. suicidal. My first suicide attemtpt was 5th grade.

When I was married I would compulsivly eat. I got up to 210lbs. In jan 2001 I started the year at 210. In jan 2002 I was down to 129lbs.

I abuse laxatives. Diuretics. Diet pills. Uppers. Downers. exercise. Food. and most of all myself.

I have a drive to be 100% perfect. I fell that it is expected of me. I have to be perfectly understanding and loving, and intelligent and beautiful and funny and you name it. I have to be everything to everyone. I have to be perfect.

I have been through counseling. Therapy. I take anti-depressants. they help...a little. I don't obsess as much with the effexor. But today for example...I wish to be clean and hole....not whole. coffee. pills. 1 apple.

I am me. I have an ed. i know it. Am I proud? nah...I don't wear a big sign on my head. after all...I have to be perfect.

-Perfectbone

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