super early entry

Yeah, here it is nearly 4 am and I am awake. Why? I'm not able to sleep. Damn insomnia. I think I dozed for a while...but I woke with the same songs and thoughts in my head, so I can't be sure about that. I didn't take any ambien either, because I have been waking up anyhow.

I stayed up till 12:30 or so talking to jeff. on Icq for more than 5 hours. Time flies you know? When I talk to him, my mind feels free. Sometimes I start to feel insecure...wonder if he thinks I am a total uneducated stupid idiot. However, I think that I forget we have our own areas of knowlege.

My knees hurt so bad tonight. I don't know if it is from sitting cross legged most of the night, or the fibro, or lack of sleep. Back hurts too. Mouth has been so dry...just can't quite quench it. And my mind...oh my mind wont stop. You know...the same 2 tori songs have been playing in my head over and over and over. NON STOP. I'm going to have a lovely set of baggage under my eyes to go with my lovely haircut tommorow.

Oh I go see cold mountain friday night. :) Yay! I have been wanting to see that. Claire is taking me. She loves to go to the movies and is absolutly addicted to popcorn. Somehow she always manages to con me into a couple of kernals of that faux buttery goodness.

She has been absolutly darling lately, and I have to wonder about her motives. Keep in mind, this woman is married. The rocks on her hand are worth more than my car. But she makes all kinds of comments like "oh it must be so wonderful to have 2 mommies." and gets wistful. She lays on my lap, she touches my leg a lot when she laughs, she buys me lavish gifts, takes me out to dinner or other places. IF she were a man, her motives would be clear...however, she is a married woman. It's hard to tell if she is just being really caring, if she is just showing me affection. I am her only female friend. Well her only friend really. So she confuses me. However....she can do what she wants, I plan to continue to keep my responses refined and let her make up her mind. After all, she might just be confused. However, I must say that I am quite attracted to her. shes 5'9 or 5'10, or what it 6 foot?? I forget. But she is quite tall. Chin length bob that I just dyed black for her. Fair skin, very dark brown yes, almost black. about 170lbs? She's about a size 14 I think. She used to be a rail when I met her, but her love of junk food has caught up with her. That's ok though, now she has hips and boobs and looks nice and soft...oh and warm...and she always smells so good...and Ok..shut up. Shut up.

Here is a delimma. I go through horrid periods of depression over my sexuality. I almost always end up in a monogamus relationship. However, then I get depressed becuase I would rather either be gay, or straight. One way or the other. Becuase being attracted to both is a bigger pain in the ass than you might think. (no it's not that I can't make up my mind. It's not that I can't be faitful, or that I am looking for excuses) It is absolutly painful becuase I always end up with a mate that (although does not discourage) does not encourage any kind of thinking in that way. its always that I have made my choice, I have to live with it.

You know...to the casual observer...the casual reader, you might think that I just want to screw every living thing out there. Not even close to the truth. in my 23 years, there have been very few in my bed. There are times that monogamy feels like a life sentence. That there is a part of me that I cannot express.

Sadly being bi has become quite trendy. I think it can be quite difficult to explain to someone that does not understand what it is like. But really, I didn't choose this at all. It would be absolutly easier to be one way or the other. When I was 4, I remember how i would kiss that adorable little blond girl under the covers. For a long time I replaced that first kiss with an alternate one that I got from a boy when I was 6 or so. It's called being socialy appropriate.

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