<< I'm in deep. I have a problem. I'm screwed >>
2004-02-24, 4:38 p.m.

2nd entry

I'm not feeling so hot right now, and I am going to try my best to talk about it. I deny it to myself far too often...I feel like if I write it here...I have to acknowledge it.

I'm ednos...I'm ok w/ that...I understand that. I have been on a tilt-a-whirl of eating disorders since I was a child. Puke? done it. Starve? done it. Binge? done it. Overexercise? done it. Lose weight? done it. Gain weight? done it? Pills? don it too. I've made the rounds.

However I am most ashamed of binging. Of all the things...it's the most incredibly shameful to me. I can barely admit it to myself. I guess of all phases I could be in...I have to admit to myself...I am binging. A lot. I haven't puked on purpose for weeks. I just haven't wanted to. Even if I want to just a little, I don't.

To be honest, I am binging at least once a day. If I managed to go the whole day, you can bet something will wake me up and I will binge in the middle of the night. I always do it alone. I never tell anyone about it. I always hide the evidence. I am so incredibly ashamed of it that I want to cry and hide rather than admit it.

When I was younger I binged a lot. I binged my way to a friggin 200+lb balloon. Then I starved and puked my way back down. But sometimes...sometimes after I had denied myself food for so long, I would binge.

But now...i just binge. I did it again today...I have been "hungry." WHy? WHY??? I have had cereal, 2 apples, celery, a rice cake, a Chick-O-stick, some gum, some mints, a large cookie, and 4 creamy sweet cakes, a diet rc, a diet coke, and some pretzles. The sweetcakes and cookie were the binge this afternoon. I ran away to the store...my hand was in the bag before I left the parking lot. I parked at work, chewing and swallowing. I couldn't tell you what the cookie even looked like. When I am like that I am in a "Zone." It's all about getting it in as fast as possible. Avoid being seen. Destroy the evidence. I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I have purchased a box of tofutti cuties and eaten the whole thing. I eat two, then three, by that time I may as well eat 2 more. By that time they are almost gone and I may as well finish them off. Then I have the wrappers and empty box. Evidence of faux icecream sandwiches all over my hands.

I am so ashamed and so embarrased that it has evolved to this again. If I don't stop I am going to end up to fat too far, to fast, and what if I never turn around again? NO. I just CAN't. But that's why I have continued to fight it, one way or another...I fight it every way I can but can't stop the binges.

I cleaned out my car over the weekend. B was going to be driving it. I had to. I was shocked by the amount of plastic wrappers. Bags tucked here and there. So many cookie wrapers...vegan brownies, chips bags, but mostly sugary sweet things. It's always sweets.

That's why I can't manage to do the food diary. I can't face the shame of all the disgusting things I eat. I can't face the shame of the amount that I eat. I just CAN'T.

I feel so dirty. I can't even enjoy sweets...for the most part I inhale them. I wish I could muster up the courage to puke all the junkfood up today. I just can't bring myself to do it, but my stomach is heavy with guilt.

What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with me?

<< welcome >>


current | archives | profile | links | rings
email | Something to Say?
| notes | host | image | design