2nd entry today

So I have a feeling that I am going to be writing way too much today. Way too much.

Part of me wonders if I am in a kind of hypomanic state, despite the depakote, or if it is just the diet pills. Hmm.

So yesterday, among other things, I spoke to the therapist about moods. I would like to be able to learn to deal with my moods so well that I might be able to quit meds. Of course she does not agree...but then again, is it up to her? I think not. She suggested to me that I really have moods within moods. Normal people are just that...'norma.' They have their one general mood, and within that they get happy or sad depending on situations or events in their life. However, I am bipolar, so my general mood can be ANYWHERE on the chart. That's how you get mixed states. I can be in a hypomanic state and still wish to die. Isn't it nutty. But a good all out manic episode feels damn good till it peaks and you just want to jump off the cliff becuase you engines are running too fast.

So as far as my moods go, maybe I am experiencing a mixed state, with mostly mania and the farking dull sensation of depakote. It's kind of like having your head stuffed w/ cotton, being blind folded, spun around, and given a bat to hit the pinata. The dizziness and headaches alone are enough to end the depakote. Oh and my beloved Ambien...not working as well as it did. Been using it for almost a month ya know. Well i am waking up in the middle of the night. Maybe part of it is my fault...I might get up to go potty (yes I use words like 'potty')and then get a drink, then pet the cat, then I am no longer sleepy. Damn ambien, it was knocking me out completely. However I am too scared to consider doubling the dose again.

I am in a picture taking mood, so here is a piture of a product that I cannot live with out: