(2nd entry of the day)

You know, sometimes I hate being this way. What way? Kind of screwed up. When was the last time that I was so called "normal?" Hmm. I would have to say it was in 2001. early in the year. I think I was sane back then. I was going to the gym. Working on my weight in a good way. I was living with my best friend in the whole wide world at the time Brian (not my honey, a different brian). THat was back when I was dating Jim and Shana....before they got married. (wonder if I have told that story here before? Bet it would raise some eyebrows!) Jim always made me feel so good about being me. He made me feel like the most beautiful creature on the planet! I weighed about 190lbs, and he was absolutly nuts about me. When I was with them, I felt so good about being me. It was so different from all those years of self hatred. But then It changed.

I knew I needed to move on and suddenly I fell in love with Brian (my fiance). I was so happy! God I was so happily oblivious! I remember when it all came crashing down...when my life became a soap opera for about 2 years. THe lies. And I don't care what they say...there are some things that the soul can never recover. *lost in bad memories*

I sometimes wonder if he will ever hurt me again? Is that horrible to wonder? I have tossed it around in my head many times. Karma is a bitch as they say. And he paid his dues in many ways. I did forgive.

No matter what, that is still when it started. When all hell broke loose...I remember walking around in a daze. Having to quit my job even! I remember thinking, "the fatter that bitch gets, the smaller I will get." Stupid I know.

I will always be driven to perfection. I have to be the best and no one can compare to me. I have to be everything to everyone. The most understanding, friendliest, funniest, thinnest, most beautiful, intelligent, and the greatest. Don't you get it? I have to be! I have no choice. There will always be someone out there just dying to take my place...and I will be left with nothing.

<< welcome >>