I am so overwhelmed here at work right now. So much so that I am nearly paralyzed. *sigh*

I have a big "to do" list...including emails that are WEEKS old, to which I have not yet responded. I have to handle several reports asap. I need to find all kinds of evaluations and send them to sylvia, then find all the rider 17 forms, make sure everyone is accounted for, then get with lisa on those. I need to fix the leave for angelique as she messed it up.

I got 2 emails from my boss today. one stating that we need to meet about the rider 17 forms. I didn't know I was supposed to get all of them together...I mean...I wondered..but no one asked me to...unless it was in one of those emails??? Then another note about messed up time and leave stuff. SHe wants to meet w/ sandy, sam, and myself to figure this out. I am sure they are going to ask me to work on some of the leave corrections. HEY, I can't even figure out how to do ONE correction, let alone all of the other units screw ups.

I am surrounded by paper right now. I just now have begun to see how screwed up my job is getting. How behind I am slipping. It makes me want to hide even more.

I called melody, my docs assistant...and i asked her if they could help me to get in with a shrink. Brian called some of them and they said that if my doc made arrangements, they might get me in sooner. I hope they can. I hope they can.

I feel like I walking through a swimming pool and I am walking deeper and deeper. I am so afraid to take a breath for fear that I will find that I am under the water.

I have made dozens upon dozens of calls. Brian has too. I have even asked their offices what they think I should do in the mean time...they all say to go to emergency services if I get too bad. But gawd damn it. I am not suicidal or anything! i am not seeing little green men! I am not freaking out! I am just so fucking depressed and full of anxiety that I can barely function! I can't keep up with my work, I gave up on housework LONG ago. My dependability has gone down to zero. I have had to give up my ebaying (and damn I could use the money.) Yule is coming up. I am supposed to go to mexico this weekend, mexico next weekend, and I have a business trip on the 18th and 19th. How can I cope????how?

Anyhow...thanks for listening.

-pb

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