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2004-01-26, 4:31 p.m.

3rd of the day

Anyone in the mood for a little honesty, or has my crazy behaviour been too much for you? Eh well...here it goes.

this journal is a private one. I keep another more public one that people view and see the public face. Just like I keep two journals....I keep two sides to every story...the real one...and the Other one.

I have done a lot of stupid things in life...dated all the wrong men...stayed with the wrong me...even married a wrong man. IN return they have been kind enough to have me leave my friends, hit me, rip my heart apart, scream at me, cheat on me, use me, and generaly treat me like shit. BUT, each and every one of these men looked good on the outside. People liked them, they seem kind, funny, friendly, loving, and all out wonderful.

Want to know how they managed to look so good, yet treat me like crap? Why didn't people say "Pefectbone, you need to get out...he is only going to hurt you more and more." Why? Becuase I held all of it. Very few people ever know...I keep it all locked up so that no one has to see who they really are, and I make excuses for what they do see. I make excuses to me, to family, to anyone that will listen.

Want to know why brian fucked another woman? Becuase he was confused and under stress. That's the excuse anyhow. Want to know the truth? Does it matter?

Do you want to know why Brian continued relationships with other people, despite the fact that his "official" girlfriend was wasting away every day and crying her self to sleep at night? I don't care why he did it.

You know what...I am taking a stand...I had nothing to do with ANY of this!! Nothing! None of it was my fault. I could not have been a better wife to anyone, nor a better girlfriend. I could not have been more trusting, supportive, or understanding. I have lost self esteem, money, time, my health, and a portion of my soul. I say no more...no friggin more. I am done! I will not take responsibility for your crap anymore. I lie to people about you, I lie to people for you, all so that I don't look so stupid for being with you.

I never thought I could do any better. no one ever told me that I should do better. Can you believe that? WHy the hell is this? People like me! I'm a good person! So why hasn't anyone ever said "girl you are way too good to put up with this!" For once someone did. I can't beleive it...you know...and it has really really hit me like a TON of bricks today. I don't have to live like that. I don't have to endure hurt like that from someone that I love.

Whoa...what a load off!!!! Whew! I feel a lot better!

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