1st entry today

Sorry I neglected my journal yesterday.

Well I managed to get through the family dinner night. Bah! Well not before some other stress.

It was pouring down yesterday and I needed gas...so I stop. I also proceed to pick up some snacky cakes and a granola bar. Binge time. of course it isn't the biggest binge compare to some, but for me...to eat that much junk in one sitting, thats a binge. I wanted to get some cookies too...but I managed to resist. SO I munch the way home. THEN I go to dinner night and have not one, not two, but THREE bean & rice soft tacos. THen an extra tortilla. OoOOoh. Owie. Too much foooood! I had b take me home with every intention of running to the bathroom and heaving it all away--but I didn't. I knew I felt really uncomfortable in my clothes so I took them off. Then I sat in front of the computer I chatted w/ jeff. I did NOT purge! I resisted. wow. I haven't in a while, but when the urge is that strong...it seems next to impossible not to.

I am still feeling really down on my body and have been this week. My weight won't budge and I am feeling quite big. None of my clothing feels comfortable to me either.

But get this...despite that...I have this almost strange new feeling about my body. I have never had a thought like that so i don't know what to make of it...but anyhow...I think I am actually starting to like the softness of my body. Weird.

When I look in the mirror, I still pick out all the flaws...too much here and there. But I kind of see now how the softness and curves are quite yummy.

So how on earth did I start to get this idea? Well a few ways. First off, I thought about the women that I find quite attractive. Ones that I look over and I think "Darn...she is just yummy!" The type that make me want to crawl all over them and kiss them...and *OH! where was I...I was getting off track thinking about girls. Well anyhow, that type of girl to me is usualy a bit "meatier" than me. The curve of her hips...the softness of her breasts. All those things.

But you know...I contrast that to how I feel that I am supposed to look. To me THEY are perfect! However I am imperfect. how and why is this?

But on the upside other things that have made me feel better lately are actually guys. I know that I should not base any part of my self esteem on what people say...but it's hard not to. Jeff tells me how beautiful I am, tells me how much he loves my round face, and so much more. It is obvious that he really really means it. Despite my imperfetions, I know that he will still think I am beautiful.

Other than jeffs compliments, there are roberts comments. Not about me per se...however he does try to flirt with me, he isn't so bold as to remark about ME. Anyhow, he was saying how he likes a little "cushion" and such. He was asking me why I never dated my old roomate. I told him that I was always too fat for him. he looked at me with this horrified look on his face, "what do you mean by TOO fat?" I told him that He likes his girls skinny and without any kind of bumps , bulges, or body fat. That a requirement seems to be the ability to wear a bikini.

Roberts other half is quite petite, but athletic. She is maybe about 5 foot tall...but she is the kind of woman on the softball team, playing soccer and so on. The kind of woman that would rather get cleats for her birthday than lingerie. So he likes to talk about the way he enjoys "something" to hold onto. Oh...get this...his wifes name is Lolita. I get a kick outa that!

AH well. So I didn't puke. I somehow got this idea into my head that softness and curves are a good thing. BUT, I still am down on myself for not being quite "there" yet. I'll still be plenty of soft and curvey 15lbs from now. THat's all I ask...just 15 more lbs...Just enough that it's no longer in my way. Just enough so that I can fit perfectly into my size 8's. Just enough so I don't have to cringe when I look at myself.

-PB

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