dermatillomania

Yeah, I think that is another problem of mine. In other words, I compulsively pick at my skin. I think that this disorder is more widespred than some people think. No we aren't talking about an urge to pick off the occasional scab....or a person that can pop A pimple and leave...no I obsess.

Sometimes I will pick and pick for up to an hour. I pick all day long. I find myself checking my scalp, my hairline, I squeeze everything on my face, my upper arms, my chest, my breasts, and my thighs. I obsessivly remove hair with tweezers and I pick at my thighs so badly that I have scabs all over them. i look at them with shame then I realize that I need to pick more. I search for all of my imperfections and pick at them. I know damn well that picking at my skin is only going to make me worse looking. I am fully aware of that. But I can't stop. I even pull off the skin at the bottom of my feet. I have thick calouses and I pick pick pick at them.

just like an eating disorder it is deeply rooted in obession. My brain repeats..."imperfect, not good enough, must fix, must fix, must fix" like a broken record.

Sometimes I feel like such a mess....like I am a pile of dingy whites that needs a good washing with some clorox. Get rid of the stains and make me look new again.

Why is it that we can't stop hating ourselves till we are perfect, but we cannot really see ourselves as the perfection that we really are unless we stop hating ourselves? What a catch 22....what a catch 22.

-PB

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