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2004-02-05, 1:15 p.m.

Oh how I miss them...my old friends...ancient ways. I guess as I am unwinding the threads that tie me to brian I am remembering old threads that tied me to others. Such as that fab group I loved so much Ancient Ways. My days with them were a time without a time. Why did I leave such wonders? Brian. I was quite embarrased. It all happend so quickly...the coven was mad at Ferumn for building such a big fire in the dry texas summer, and then b cheated on me...and I was so depressed, and after having to leave Jim. Oh it was just too embarrasing. Jim and shana knew why I wasn't there. Jim and I couldn't be around each other anymore. When he and I parted, it wasn't becuase we wanted to...it was becuase *I* had to. I still cared for him though. We both knew that our friendship had changed. No longer could we be intimate in the same way, becuase brian would not allow anything of the sort.

I miss them...the magic of the nights! The fires! The Drums! I could have stayed around...After a break Jim & Shana And I seemed to be ok w/ our parting. However, I couldn't bring myself to go after the affair leaked out. And besides...it was obvious soemthing was really wrong. I was about 200lbs when they last saw me. A jolly well rounded goddess. I couldn't go back to them after I got lower than 160. I was a wreck!

Now that I am leaving him behind...pisses me off that I thought I had something to be embarrased about. Why would I think that? Shana tried to tell me that I shouldn't be ashamed to be sick. She tried to tell me that they could understand. Why didn't I just realize that he was the one to be ashamed?

Well I do now! I may not be able to go back to them...but my heart has more peace then it did before.

When I get to IN I think I might like to try to make some other friends in the pagan community, becuase I miss campouts...and I am sure Jeff would enjoy them as well :)

Well I had therapy today...and it was ok. It was kinda sorta iffy for a while then we got down to the nitty gritty which I didn't like all that well. It was all the eating disorder stuff. And I talked about it. I have never really fully discussed everything with one. I felt kind of relieved, yet I felt awful afterward. I felt so dirty and so guilty for even saying anything about it. Like I had betrayed someone..which is so friggin silly. Anyhow...she want's me to keep an emotional food diary. Write what I eat and what I am feeling. I see where it's headed and I haven't even written a g'd thing.

So does a piece of cinnimon gum and a diet diet soda count as a meal?

I got to talk to jeff today...oh it was so nice. I actually started this entry well before he called...then I stopped to talk to him. He is so much fun to talk to. I have all these crazy thoughts all the time, and I can say them and he knows how to respond becuase he thinks that way too. We could start talking about some hypothetical conspiracy theory and keep going on and on with a whole scenerio between the two of us...just building it up till it something so outrageous! So nuts. I feel all this sexual tension between us sometimes...and heck we don't even get to see each other! If the subject even comes up I often have to back myself down becuase I get all excited and it even gets hard to breath! That is just unlike me. I mean...sure i have been excited before..and I have experienced passion before...but I have never been so incredibly and strongly attracted to someone like this before. And I can't say that it's completly a physical attraction (not that we are lacking in that area), I am attracted to what makes him *HIM*. I am intensely attracted to his mind and his personality and his being.

Oh I had better shut up now...I should be working and I am sitting here jabbering about jeff. *Sigh* Jeff.

Damn..Gonna have to take off my rings. My hands are so bloated. Well all of me is bloated. Aunt Flo will be here before long...fri or sat. Oh well. I have alwaysd wanted to be one of those women that are on really good terms with her period...I'm still working on it. Not quite there yet. We are aquainted...but not "friends."

PB

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