1st entry today

It's a swell day! I am surprisingly chipper despite the fact that I haven't had any coffee, ephedrine, or synthroid this morning :) gee...just imagine how peachy my day will be later! Zooom!

Today I put on a navy blue dress that used to be my mothers. It's got white piping up top and is darling as hell. very 1982-1988 style for women. I remember her wearing this dress back when I was a child. Gosh....she looked so much better in it than I do. She had a very "va-va-voom" type body. A head full of curly hair, green/grey eyes, and a big smile. Set that on top of a nice full set of perfectly formed and eerily perky 36B breasts, shrink down into a perfect little waist, then curve around a fabulous set of hips forming the perfect hourglass. Lucky for me, I at least was blessed w/ the hourglass shape. I have a belly yes...but still manage to keep that fabulous curve. THen of course, my mom had beautiful legs. I think her thigh was only ann inch or two larger than her calve! *sigh*

But of course, the woman never ate. That will do it you know. But she couldn't help herself. She didn't know how to be anything different than she was. The only way she knew how to get through life, was through waitressing and supplimenting her income w/ men. Tons of them. All the time. They were there to do things and pay for things. Some married, and some not. Some loved her so much! But each one served a purpose. She would hook them with her beauty and with her great personality. She never made them do anything they didn't want to, I mean, after all, if they wanted to buy her fur coats (in texas,no less!) isn't that their business? And of course in the age old fashion, they certainly did get something in return. He would have a lovely woman on his arm when he would go out, and a wild cat in the sack at home. I often wonder if she loved any of them. Maybe she did....she was married so many times...nine maybe? I forget.

Is it any wonder that I have had to struggle with a skewed view of my role in life? When I was in 5th grade, take a wild guess what I wanted to be? No, not a vet, or a doctor, or teacher. I wanted to be a prostitute. I wanted to be a whore and have sex for money. I hadn't even had sex before and yet I wanted that for my life. How fucked up is that? Of course it never happend, and I am not interested in being one today (of course!!) But I thought my only value to men would be through my body. I felt that way for a long time. I thought that it had been predetermined from early on. Whey else would I be singled out to be repeatedly molested? Sometimes the same people, sometimes different. To me this translated into:

Men want you for this purpose. This is what you are good for.

The next night I remember that I didn't drink. I pretended to sip on a beer, as they left me with him again. I had my knees up to my chin. I was on the floor with my back up against the be. He tried to do it again, but I wasn't drunk, I could move on my own. I already looked like shit, with my bruised forehead, my busted, swollen, and bruised lips. I said no. I begged not to. I told him that I hurt so badly, and I did. I hurt from head to toe, inside and out. I don't know what else happend, but I know THAT didn't happen again that night.

I felt worthless for years. I thought my only value was indeed sexual. I would have sex with some of the guys and it always ended badly. By the time I was 16 and I had been seeing my ex husband, I begain to understand that it wasn't all sex. However, it became reversed in a way. I was made to feel ashamed that I had been that way. That it was MY fault. I was told that I should not have let any of that happen. That I should have been reserved only for him. Can you believe that shit lasted till I was 20?

So here I am at 24, making sure that I rebel against ideas that aren't my own. I have managed to have better times since all of that. I met a man that helped me to learn that I shouldn't be ashamed of my sexuality, he helped me to understand that my body is sacred but that I may give it as a gift to whomever I wish. However this gift is never to be expected. I learned a lot from him.

Currently I have been in stasis w/ a man that is "ok" with my sexuality. He sees a lot more in me than sex, but he isn't interested in my body. At this point I feel as if I have neither taken a step forward or backward.

I have a need to express my sexuality...it is my own. My body is my own and with time and lots of healing, I have learned that I don't have to throw it around. That a man or a woman should be honored to even touch it!

My time is coming, I know that. I no longer have to stay in a little box. I have had plenty of time to heal from the past traumas, and attempt to learn what love is, learn how to treat men, and learn how I should in turn be treated.

I learned so much from that woman, my mother, in her navy blue dress. Her beautiful personality and her va-va-voom body was her gift and her curse. She is 49 now and sees the courage within me, that she lacked at my age. It took me 24 years to get here mom, you can do it too! I know you can.

Mom....I love you.

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