<< heaing the beat of the drum in my blood >>
2003-12-17, 2:16 p.m.

I am here at work...the day is dragging by.

I think that we will put up the yule tree tongiht. I know it is kind of late...but I didn't pick up the tree from my mum till last wknd. ANd we have been busy every evening.

So yesterday the doc tells me that I am bi-polar. Today another doc tells me I have fibromyalgia as well. What do these folks want from me???? Why all this????

gee..I just want to be me again. I just want to go climb mountains. I want to dance around the fire naked.

Sigh..fire dancing..I was thinking of that last night. Oh how I miss it. I need another beautiful night of it...been too long. I will never forget one particular night..we were on the land w/ ancient ways folks....that night when I was dancing, a bud of mine, travis was too...we were chanting the same tune...some tune we hadn't heard of before...but it was if it was flowing into our bodies.

Oh the fire dancing...if you have never done it...you have missed a world of wonder...often I would wear a sarong aroundmy waist....I loved having my upper body painted with beautiful designs. Listening to the beats of the drums...feeling the heat of the fire...*sigh* it flows through you...the sound, the fire...the air. Once the beat gets into your blood you cannot stop. You are in a trance.

Oh thebody painting. That is one thing I miss about ancient ways campouts. I would often get my body painted. Although I was pretty big at the time, when I was painted I felt that I was the most beautiful woman on earth. It didn't matter that I was well rounded...*sigh* I miss Kathy and Paul...and wanda and her husband. I don't go any more becuase of the whole jim and shana stuff. I don't know why I am so ashamed...mostly becuase they aren't overly fond of brian anymore. THey saw how much I used to hurt becuase of him, and they are not all that forgiving.

I do miss those days w/ jim and shana. Lounging in bed on weekends. But I ran away when I found that jim loved me too much. I just couldn't continue on with that relationship. Since they were to be married I wanted someone just for me. But you know....some part of me will always love jim. It doesn't mean I care less about brian...but In another life..another time...

I miss shana too...I wasn't as attached to her becuase she wasn't around as much, and she was really reserved with me, she would never kiss me. Isn't that odd? She is the only person that I have ever had sex with that would not kiss me. Odd huh?

Ahh, enough reminicing for the day...

btw...I woke up at 140.6 today. *sigh* thank the gods...

pb

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