1st entry

It's not been the best of mornings. My pants feel too tight around my thighs and waist. Worse yet...these are some of my bigger pants. Size 12. it hurt to say that. I stepped on the scale this weekend and it said 147. Why do I do this to myself? Why did I let this happen? Why the fuck did I let down my guard? I can't believe this. Worse yet...I can't fit into my clothes for work. That's the worst of it...I put on a shirt this morning and had to change. The buttons gaped. No don't let this happen to me! NO!

It is my own fault really...my own indescresions. I have been binging all the time. Like a mad woman. That's really why I won't keep the food journal. Becuase I cannot face the truth. I can't face what I have been doing to myself all the time, it is so shameful.

I just want to ball up and cry. WHy did I do this? I worked so hard to get to where I am at. Why would I purposly sabotage myself every fucking day?

I also spent too much time depressed this weekend. The bad depression. I managed to reset myself and get out of it.

Also I need to really express some fucking anger over money here. Grr. Damn B. Damn! Before I moved in with him, I was FINE. I paid my bills. I took care of my animals. I could go to the friggin doctor. Hell I could afford to go to a massage twice a month! But now! NOw! Damn it! It pisses me off. He said he would give me money after he got paid friday and now he said he can't. So what does that leave me to do huh?? I Have to then borrow money from myself which has consequences. DAMN IT. I make $300 more a month than I did before I started living with him. All I have gotten out of this is more fucking debt! The total of debt (including scotland) that I have gained since September 2003 is nearly $6000 fucking dollars. Damn it.

And the bastard still hasn't paid off the measly $300 for my engagment ring.

Ok...enough of my ranting. I feel better tho....becuase I never get to yell at him.

Grr.

;-) have a nice day

-perfectbone

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