<< I'm a flake. I admit it >>
2003-11-12, 3:23 p.m.

I have a headache today and I'm really not in the mood to work. I had a meeting with the other techs today to discuss responsiblities and what not. It went rather well. I understand my job a little bit more. However it doesn't mean I am any better at it.

I have been here 2.5 months and still...still I am not settled. Ah well. Whatever. To tired to care.

Went out for lunch with everyone today. I Had a little salad. I ordered a cheeseless veggi pizza, but they put cheese on it and gave me the right one to go. So I have 2 pizzas in the fridge right now.

Brian caught on to packing my lunch right ;-) I got an orange, 2 carrots, and a dt. dr pepper. Dang. He's even better than me, had I packed it, I would have had 3 carrots. Oh well ;-)

Lunch went rather well, till about mid way through. I was slammed with a depressing moodswing. I was thrown to the floor (metaphoricaly). I felt just awful, sitting around all those people. I can't wait till they get me all fixed up. I just want to be able to have energy to be me again. There was once a time, not long ago that I would wake up, go to the gym, go to work, go to the gym, then go see the scheduled friend of the day or go to class or what not. All my time was booked. People had to check with me 2 weeks in advance to hang out with me. Now look at me.

I can't keep friends very well (i'm not implying that they got angry and left...on the contrary...just faded away) becuase I am too damn flakey these days. I have 1 current in person, live friend. Claire. I only keep her because she lives a block away, knows the truth about everything, and can understand that I have days when I just won't leave the house. I can't make new friends becuase I dont' want to flake out on them. I hate that. I get to know such great people...and I flake out and fade away. It makes me feel like a horrible person, but I can barely keep track of my own self these days...let alone keep track of more than 1 or 2 personal relationships with other human beings.

I know my thyroid is way off. I go in tommorow morning to talk to the doc. Apparently my cholesterol is way up. I don't know what it could be at now. It was like 165 last year. To warrent a meeting, it must have gotten to over 200 or something. You see...when the thyroid doesn't function properly, (among other things) it can't break down the cholesterol normaly produced by the body. Therefore a 23 year old vegetarian can have higher colesterol than a 59 year old sedentary meat eating man.

So I hope to get my thyroid fixed up to some extent to stop the terrible things I experience from it. The pain, fatigue, horrible dry skin, and hell I just look f*cking sick.

On the plus side...although I came back at 150 lbs on Saturday I have already lost 4 lbs. 146 now. On my way. 146, that number is very embarrasing.

PB

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