Man this sucks

I called so many places today.

Not a single shrink can take me before december. Not till december. Not a single appointment. I am getting so frustrated. I may sound spoiled, but i think that our EAP should have a database of this stuff. Or some kind of mental health finder. I miss our old magellan health. They would find me someone that specialized in my area, and coudl take me.

I am worried that I might stop trying.

It was a tough weekend at moms. I panicked in HEB & walmart. I slept a whole lot. Other than that there isn't much else to say. I hate being this way. On the way there I was so depressed I just didn't want to go. On the way back I was still depressed only worse. I keep having feelings of hurting myself...but I don't want to. So instead It seems that I am stuffing myself full of food. Why?

Its jsut so messed up!

This time last year sucked. THis was when my old cars transmission kicked the bucket. i still remember sitting inthat car...getting ready to leave when it failed. All I could do was turn off the car and laugh. It was so scary that it was funny. I lived in a horrible place at the time with horrible horrible attacks from a terrible person every day. She was so horrid that I cannot even find words to describe how hard each day was. Well anyhow...wanted to leave the house...but my car was dead. So i go in and contemplate ways to die. I was really that desperate. But I called pocket instead. She came to get me. She saved my life that day. Then she loaned me her car for a few days, I went to the doc and got on medication for my thyroid and depression.

Then 3 days later.....just three days...my roomate...the good one....my brother...my best friend...my right arm; asked me to move. In the end it was the best thing that ever happened to me. But my life was a mess...this time last year I didn't have a home or a car. I was having a nervous breakdown. I was bawling at work. I had to take time off of work to go buy a car and find a home and be out in like 10 days.

In the long run...it was best for me. Looking back...I don't know how I ever did it. All I remember was mechanicaly going through the motions. Motions of taking pills every day. Motions of test drives...getting rides...signing papers....packing. I to this day don't know how I did it.

Well I have to work now.

I'm tired of this. i just need to get the depression figured out...I can handle everything else...at least for a while.

Back to work.

-PB

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