<< I've decided to go to the hospital >>
2003-12-11, 8:31 a.m.

I'm making an entry from home, can you believe it?

yeah...well last night i went out w/ claire...didn't want to do anything, but brian wanted to go return our extra bedset and stop by the pet shop for a new bulb for the turtles and a new litter pan for Princess. So then we went to the haneys house and she wanted to go for coffee. So we went to starbucks on the riverwalk again. Gingerbread soy latte, yumm. Well anyhow she talked me into not going to work today. She said it would jsut be plain silly.

The problem is that I have been contemplating hurting myself just to get help. Isn't that sad? That in America today, a young person would have to go to that length just to get help from the medical profession? Yeah. Bad. So I know I have reached the point of no return. Once you start debating suicide thats bad...once you start figuring out how to do it...thats the end of the line buddy.

Well anyhow...thats why I am at home. Sadly alone. But I am going to have to go to the hospital today. Brandon is going ot a counseling center today too. Some free place, since he was fired he doesn't have insurance and it would cost more than it's worth to put brandon on claires insurance. So I called him to see if he wants to buddy up for visits today. I go with him if he takes me to the er. yeah...sad I have to go to the ER for this. I really don't think that people should have to go to the er for htis....I only go to the er for car accidents and severe urinary tract infections that travel to my kidneys. You know...life threatening stuff. But it is a sad mental state when you stop seeing the threat of suicide as being severe...and in need of emergency help.

Worst part is...this isn't me! The voice inside me keeps screaming...THIS ISN'T ME!!! IM NOT CRAZY!! Just goes to show that things can go wrong within your body to make you crazy.

The shrink that brian spoke to yesterday told him that it is likely my thyroid giving me hell like this. The thyroid is a big deal you know...it can make you psychotic.

well anyhow...going to the er today. that ought to be fun. to top it off i haven't gotten my period yet either. Hormones can cause issues too...but the thyroid can throw that off too. It's only 2 days late...no biggie. I have pimples and a back ache so it can't be too far away.

To top it off I woke up w/ a UTI today. I don't know if I have been eating too much peanut butter or if I have a bacterial issue. (peanuts cause my bladder to react in bad ways) So I have been fending it off this morning...looks like I am in for a weeks course of herbs. Better swing by whole foods today.

I'll let you know how this whole madness goes though. I still feel as if I am going to go to the er for a papercut. Like this isn't that big of a deal. But I guess it is. I'll just wait for brandon to call me and tell me he wants to go.

pb

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