It was a pretty decent holiday. My sister is in town right now w/ my neice. And they are pretty swell. Emily has grown so much. Almost as tall as me now. 5'3, and 118lbs already. But a beanpole! She has beautiful skin too...the color of pale honey. She has her fathers coloring, that natural tan look, unlike her mother and I, w/ fair skin and freckles.

I hope that all those that read from inpatient had an ok christmas. I know that it isn't easy to be IP during the holidays. Hell...IP isn't exactly a cakewalk.

So here goes some of the events, in no particular order. Katie and I were talking to momma boherberg and katie said that she would like to lose 40lbs, but she knows she can do 20. I said would just like to lose about 13lbs so that I can fit back into my pants. Most of them are a size 10, and fit me when I am 130. Well I am stuck in my 11s and 12s, and they are quite tight too. :-( Momma Boh first tells me that she couldn't tell I gained any then later backtracks and says she likes me better this way. So which is it?? Which is it??

My moods were ok during the vacation, only a few down moments. Such as after I left work the other day...bought a pack of rice dream icecream sandwiches. Ate all 3. :-(

I take so many pills all the time to stay "healthy." Unfortunatly the timing is often so terrible. More than once the past week I have wondered into the bathroom w/ the intention of hanging my head over the toilet, then it hits me....I can't. I just took my damn medicine, and it would be half absorbed into my stomach, and half not, and then how much to take to make up for it....so awe fuck it. I walk away.

I am amazed how much my sister can eat. One day I ended up puking my guts out just becuase SHE ate so much that I felt bad. She hates being so big. She has tried many diets and failed. I don't think she has ever lost more than a few lbs on any plan. She has no will whatsoever. None. And now she hurt her back. I feel so bad for her. It is really having a detrimental effect on her body. I even spoke to her about having a stomach staple like Lakesha. I told her that she is now a size 3. Sure it has it's drawbacks...but she is losing her life daily due to her battle w/ her weight. I want her to be happy.

My pants feel far too tight today. But I feel better that I have at least been able to walk lately. I go through so much pain sometimes that activity is just not an option. But just walking around the block is something...at least it is something. If nothing else it makes me think that I am doing something.

Brian made my morning w/o even thinking about it. I was walking out to our vehicles, down our front sidewalk, and he took a sip of his coffee, gave me a kiss and told me that I look cute today. he compliments me often...but somedays I need it more than other days....

OH! I had a thought today. yes a THOUGHT! This spring brian is going to go visit his buddy up on Ohio for a few days. And you know what???! I am think I will go on a journey too. Maybe New Mexico? I have a hankering to see the desert. I need a journey. I will figure it out. not sure If I want to bring claire though...but I know she would want to go. It's just that I am not looking for a girls week out type of vacation....I feel that there is something over there that I need to find out...something about something.

pb

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