ouch.

Well things aren't all that peachy. It was a LOOOONG holiday to say the least...so here is a little rundown.

All my appointments were cancelled due to the docs being ill. So wednesday I left work early in search of some more plates and flatware, since we would be entertaining for thanksgiving. I made it through the thrift store ok. Then later I went to Ross. Well I had a panic attack at ross. All I had to do was buy the stinking flatware. But for some reason I was scared to death to go to the register. I was overwhelmed by the perfumes, the kids playing with electronic toys, people yacking in so many different languages....I ended up walking around that dumb store for what seemed like forever. Finaly I got up enough nerve to go to the register and check out. I NEEDED the flatware. I could not leave w/o it. So once I was done I got in my car and I just sank. I managed to get myself home. Close the front door. Strip off most of my clothes and get into bed.

And bed is where brian found me when he got home. He was none too pleased becuase I did not answer the phone. Whatever. Then he went on a cleaning spree and I was still all kinds of messed up. All my senses were hightened. All noises seemed so loud...all smells overpowering...everything. So I attempted to get a tiny bit of spahgetti and eat in the computer room w/ the door closed. He had too much inscense burning, the music blaring, he was doing dishes, and cleaning and such. But he opened the door back up agian. I did however manage to get him to stop vaccuming. He was angry. Angry becuase he couldn't help me. Frustrated. Frustrated becuase I couldn't fulfill my duties. Frustrated becuase this would be another evening that he would be stuck with a frigging crazy girl.

No one ever wants to date the crazy girl.

I called claire to come get me. I could not stand it any more. So she got me and we watched movies at her house for the evening.

Sadly he told his family about my attack that day and so they were all worried that I would not be able to handle my sole task of cooking the stinking turkey. WTF? I am not a completly incompetant loon. It's bad enough that I was hosting thanksgiving and the only thing they LET me make was the turkey. I did it just fine. Thanksgiving was not big deal. NOt a problem at all.

So moving on...we went to gardenridge...had a little anxiety there..but nothing I couldn't handle. The next day we went to the dollar tree and I had to leave while he checked out, but no biggie there either.

We worked on putting up Yule decorations yesterday...and we put together our wreath and such. it was a lot of fun.

But last night we ended up talking abotu stuff and I kept telling him that making me feel bad about being messed up only makes things worse. A guilt trip is not helpful. He was telling me that he needs to go see a psychologist to help him to deal with stress from my problems. :-( Pretty sad huh? well he has had it up to 'there' with my problems.

At the end I had to sit him down and tell him that I will be dealing with all things in good time. He seems to think that my ed is the worst of things when in reality it isn't. It isn't even that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. I tried to tell him that the real issue at hand is the depression, anxiety, ocd issue and such. That I have had an ed in one form or another most of my life. I explained that it is a sort of "coping mechanism" when things seem out of control. It doesn't make much sense to a well person...but it's true. So I explained to him that first we must address the issue of depression. And as my other issues subside, so will my eating difficulties, and then I can deal with them for good.

I don't want to upset him anymore. That's why I don't tell him every little thing. Sadly he sees me moping or unable to move and such. But he doesn't see everything, thank goodness.

I called around this morning. Begging doctors to take me. begging for the first available appointment. I even called our works EAP (employee assistance program) to see if they had any shrinks on board. I spent far too much time with this gentleman named Rolland. I tried to explain to him that I had already seen one of their psychologists and that she couldn't/wouldn't help me. I tried asking him "how bad is too bad?" I just dont' know any more and that is a bad sign. I used to know. The bad days far out number the good. I have almost no interest in doing anything that I used to enjoy. I barely keep up with the one "in person" friend that I have...and thats becuase I am her ONLY friend. I somehow manage to drag myself to work every day...but I don't know how much good it does me.

I know brian isn't going to give up on me or anything.....but sometimes...he just makes things worse. He has this emotionaly manipulative side to him. I always let him know when he is doing that. I tell him, "you cannot turn this around to put all of the blame on me. You must take responsibility." but it doesn't always work.

I just feel so bad that people have to see me like this. It isn't right. I am not supposed to be this way :-( I am better than this...besides...no one likes crazy people. No one likes the "emotionally fragile" types. I hate people to ever know there is a problem, becuase then they EXPECT there to be a problem.

I just want it to stop.

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