2nd entry today

Yesterday afternoon trish called b's cellphone. He left his phone in the car while we were in whole foods and when he returned he noticed he missed a call, but no message was left. I told him that if it was important they would have left a msg. However, he is really anal about knowing everything.

He looked it up online and found that it was "her." THE her. The whole reason I ever started an online diary. I needed a place to vent...to get it out. I had one before this...it housed the worst of it, but it's gone now.

Trish was a heck of a gal. She was madly in love w/ b back in highschool. She got him at last in 99 or 2000 or something. They made each other miserable. Her binge drinking and coke use drove him mad...but he loved that she had money to take him places. Anyhow they broke up in jan of 2001. However like many people they still slept together.

Long story short, she got pregnant, said it was his, but he and I got together before we foudn all this out. She led us on a rollercoaster for 2 years. (not that it wasn't his fault as well!!) He slept with this chick while we were together, then lied about it....he went though the whole pregnancy...she would hang out with his family, meanwhile I was the "official" girlfriend. Everyone grew attached to the baby. When she finaly submitted to the "who's your daddy?" test, just before the babies first birthday....it wasn't his kid. Yah. Go figure.

A few months later, after nothign was said to each other, he left her a message saying that he had to forgive her for what she did, however he requested that she stay completly out of his life and his families life.

This isnt' the first call we have gotten. She has called and hung up before....

I get hangup calls at work...and I often wonder. My work number is listed on the company website. I'm an assistant to a big wig....so I have to be available to the public.

She still bothers me. Even though I know some of what the future holds...even though i'll have to let go of b....my body has been trained to wig out at the thought of her.

He used to go to dinner and movies with her...as if it wasn't a big deal. SPending time with the mother of "his" child. Meanwhile I live 1.5 hours away... I would cry myself to sleep so many nights. I was in such inner pain.

So why did I stay? Religion plays a role in this...I'm sad to say. "but your Pagan!" you say. yes, however, he was the high priest of our coven, and I was the maiden. (maiden is a high priestess in training.) The community viewed us as the perfect and ideal couple. If I left him at the time it would have made a huge rift in the coven. Besides....I loved him. I thought I was so strong...so supportive...so understanding. When really he was just taking advantage of me.

Anyhow....

those are the thoughts on my mind today. Those feelings came back. Feeling of not good enough. Not strong enough.

I met her once...she wasn't even civil enough to shake my hand. And there I was, preparing myself to be step mother to her child.

That time in my life still lingers with the ever present scent of clove cigarettes I would smoke constantly. It has the vague unease of a stomach flu that won't go away. The emptyness of a stomach that hasn't been filled in days. When I look back to those days it is always night. Often lingering over yet another cup of coffee...tendrils of smoke blowing across my vision. And the sounds....always muffled. the taste in my mouth was always foul...stale cigarettes and coffee. or from puke in an attempt to purge my emotions from the pit of my soul.

sorry it seems like a downer...but Im really ok. I'm doing ok. Just a little "off." I think I just need some moments to myself.

-pb

<< welcome >>