I am having one of "those" days. One of those fucking days. I know this pain....I have felt it all too many times. It Makes me feel like I weight 500 lbs...of pure lead. It makes it hard to swallow. I am glad I was half asleep when I ate this morning, otherwise I wouldn't have eaten. Becuase I know I won't be able to. This pain is all too fresh again. It's almost as if the wound of a few years ago was opend right up and squirted w/ lemon juice.

Apparently I ripped my knuckles up last night when I was talking to brian. I was 1/2 out of it, on ambien, so I didn't feel the pain on my hand. I didn't mean to, I guess it was just a nervous habit.

I spoke to robert at great length this morning about it. He's got all kinds of problems and stuff I've heard so I told him about me puttin off the wedding. And we started talking about infidelity and stuff. He gave me a lot of insight into things, becuase he has been in my position before.

Although everyone seems supportive of my decision, I am starting to wonder if there is a statute of limitations or something? He hasn't screwed me over during the past year...actualy a little more than a year. He was so shocked that I havent' recovered from it. He thought it was all over...done with...water under the bridge. But I try to be as honest as possible, and told him about my feelings, and instances when I have been scare, suspicious, or jealous. I made it clear to him that during times when we talk about this, he is not to, under ANY circumstances, say anything that makes ME feel bad for what HE did. I don't think that anyone should be made to feel bad for not being "over" something.

This is only the begining though. Lots of strange things being set forth now....slowly but surely it all begins to unravel....till we come to a stop...and it's just me sitting there cold and alone.

Diane, my therapist got me in for 2pm tomorrow. I want to go home so badly but I don't know if I should. I feel so incredibly sick all over....the pain just seems to be wrapped around all of my bones with its hot core sitting like a burning coal in my stomach.

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