<< Been there, done that, got the tee shirt, and the therapy >>
2005-04-05, 4:33 a.m.

Tonight I did something out of preservation of myself and out of love. I have fallen in love with harley in a way that I never thought possible. It's a kind of love I have never experienced before. But out of preservation...I called it off...at least for now.
YOU see....ever so long ago (or so it seems) there was B. On valentines day back in '01 I did some magic to bring my truest love into my life. Quickly after that I fell in love with b. It was a whirlwind. Then come May it fell apart. I was still in love and so was he, but his ex was in the middle of it all creating drama w/ her unborn child. Turned out not to be his anyhow.
But all the turmoil...I spiraled through eating disorders, lost my health, that whole period of my life, tons of money on therapy, and countless sleepless nights spent crying. I thought that if I stood by the man I loved, it would be ok in the end.
I have learned my lesson. Harley's ex is still trying to be friends w/ him. He is a very soft hearted man. She has been horrid to him so many times...just from what I have witnessed. Our first real date she chewed him out by phone for about 15 min. It upset him terribly. Last week she got herself kicked out of a bar for being awful to him. He is so soft hearted and used to all of it that he doesn't see it.
So tonight I told him that it's not going to be, at least not with her around. I'm not one to tell you who your friends should be. Never, I have been there. When you love someone, and they are hurting, you hurt just as much. I won't sit by and watch him hurt just to maintain a friendship.
Besides...if you are close to someone, there can't be a friend in the picture that you can never meet. She doesn't know I exist.
It hurt him a lot. But he really respected it. I told him to get his head together and come back to me later. I'm not going to change my feelings for him, but I am not going to compromise myself either.
So if he can get it together, and leave her 100% n the past, then it can be. But there isn't any room for friends like that.
In other news....we are moving this week. It's been horrid. My wallet was lost, I haven't any access to my bank account due to lack of drivers license...I had to shut down my checking account and debit card. We are trying to get the deposit and rent down on earl's money alone. Even though I am getting a paycheck this week, it won't be touchable due to it being in my closed/semi-closed account.
It's been a real real pain.
Our new place is smaller, thank goodness. Has bedrooms on opposit ends. I get the master that is smaller, but has a BIG walk-in closet. I need that. Heck my shoe rack is 6 foot long.
My car still sucks, my cat is still gay, electric is late as usual, but I am learning slowly how to handle everything.
No point in going through hell on earth if you don't learn squat from it.

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