3rd of the day (yes 3!)

Ok...I have fallen into self hatred all over again. I was craving meat right? Well I didn't stop and get fries..no I went to the grocery and got a pack of cookies. I ate 6 of them. Fatfree oatmeal raisin cookies. Sure they were fat free....but a whoppign total of 660 calories. :( Why do I always do this to myself? Now my stomach is distended and I'm unhappy.

I was reading on thinforum about being fat. You know...I was infact Obese at one point. Thinking back and trying to see what has changed. My shorts don't ride up between my legs anymore. That's good. My feet shrank, as did my fingers. I have only 1 chin now. And I can find bras quit easily at Victorias Secret at a 36B instead of a 38-40C.

However a LOT hasn't changed. I still have a LOT of really fat characteristics....and I get so upset. Like the stomach for example. I have rolls. no I am NOT exaggerating. I do indeed have rolls. And I have back fat. When I wear a tight shirt you can see the fat on my back as my bra squishes it. But yet parts of me are so bony that they could NOT get thinner. My wrist is a whole 5 1/2 inches around...making the average 7 inch bracelet fall off. My shoulders and collar bone could cut through my skin. My knees are so boney that they often bruise each other in my sleep!

But I still feel big an mannish. I still can't bear to look down at my thighs in the car. My pants still crumple at the top and cut into me. My pantyhose still roll down my stomach.

I am still 10lbs above my previous "usual" weight. I still can't fit into my clothes...and it seems my jeans are getting tighter.

I am filled with self loathing today. Such a failure...I can't even lose 10 lbs.

-imperfectbone

<< welcome >>