3rd entry today

Why can't it be sunny? Why oh why? I live in friggin texas, it's supposed to be sunny. *humph*

Ok..well the day hasn't progressed like I thought it would. In fact, it is about the same :-(

I have to call my shrink after 1 today and get an appointment. I can't risk going without effexor.

i'm having a fed up kind of day. I'm fed up w/being bipolar. I don't want to take more medicines. I don't want to be so moody all the time. I hate when I get irritable and "lose it." I have noticed that I have been much more irritable the past few days.

I was thinking about hospitals...wondering how many I will see by the time I am old and depleted. I would love to think that it won't happen again, but I know it will. It's not so bad...aside from the bill. Still working to pay that last round off. 1.5k for three days. And yeah...I have insurance...really good insurance.

It is puzzling sometimes how I can be so happy, so depressed, so everything...I experience a full range of emotions so intensely. Sometimes my emotions are so saturating, that it ooozes out of my pores. As I stagger around I leave behind droplets of depression. Other times, if you could catch up to me, you might see a trickle of hypomania on my forehad before it evaporates.

I often worry that it makes me unlovable. It can be really difficult to love someone that changes like a chameleon. I would have a tough time loving me. I can be so kind and loving, then suddenly ice cold. I tend to avoid people when I am feeling icy. I think that the feeling is more of a barrier I put up becuase my skin gets thin during that time.

To love me it takes patience. My parents had a tough time of it! Sure they care...but if you are not familiar w/ this kind of mental illness..you forget to step back out of the situation. Some moments I need to be left alone...other moments I can't be alone at all! Sometimes I need a shoulder, othertimes a hand. Worst of all, I am not always very good at letting others know what I need.

Most often I just need understanding. My moods change with the wind.

-pb

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