4th entry today!

Ah....what a fabulous day it has become! The sun has come out at last!! yesterday we had 1.5 inches of rain, and that is toooo much for me. Sure i enjoy it, but I cannot have the sky gray for more than 2 days. I just won't stand for it *stomps foot*!

As far as food/binges go...I have been keeping track of my emotions in regards to binging like the therapist wants. I just take it one day at a time at the moment. Today I have been just fine. Oatmeal, a luna bar, and a grapefruit. I have an apple in case i get hungry on my ride home. I find that If I eat a little snack on the way home, I am less likely to do something stupid when I walk in the door....or while I cook dinner.

I have to tell you about 2 things that mildly ticked me off. #1, why does b's mom feel the need to give me a weight loss magazine? She knows about my ed...so all I can say about that is, wtf? Maybe next time she will let me have her daughters phentermine ;-)

The other thing is about eating. Apparently I have some annoying eating habits. My exhusband used to get pissed off becuase I would often scrape my teeth on my fork when I ate. So I had to learn to use my lips and not to dare let my teeth touch the fork. Then along comes b with a peeve as well. Not the fork thing, no...I am "trained" now. But apparently there is a noise that I make sometimes, kind of like a smack type sound. It drives him up the wall. So yesterday he was getting peeved, so I ended up feeling awful and pissed off. I didn't end up wanting to eat because I felt so self consious about the possibility that I might make a sound. Damn it!

ok rant done :-)

My other brian called from kuwait today to wish me early happy b.day. He is coming back to texas before long AND and get this! He is getting handfasted in May! Go him. THis one sounds like a good one. I haven't met her yet but i have heard all about her, and then some...I give her a green light. THis one is a winner. :-) GO him!

So tomorrow I don't have big plans. B wants to go on a pic-nic, which is fine by me. esp now that it is sunny. I forgot to mention that it's also our "anniversary" of three years. *sigh* Sometimes it feels so incredibly wrong to keep this act up. But i know I have to...just a little while longer. But anyhow I'll be making a mass of sushi for him. I figure we will need to head to the chinese grocery today or tomorrow. I am out of wasabi...can't have it w/o wasabi!!! PLus I have a hankering for their spiced dry tofu.

THere are times I look at b and feel bad about the deception. I am not a cold heartless wench. I do have feelings for that man...some good some bad. Last night I was laying in bed awake and I could feel his breath on my arm. I started to think about all the time we have shared together. We have had some wonderful times together. I'm glad I had the opportunity to spend time with him. I have learned so much from him, and I hope that he doesn't get bitter when we break up. Not that I want to ever really speak to him after he leaves...on the contrary I pray he never even considers visiting the house after he is gone! But I hope that he can keep the good memories. Sure he caused me a lot of pain for a long long time. But Even I can't allow that to completely overshadow every moment. I care about him and there will be things that I will miss about him. But I know enough about myself to see that I will never find happiness with b. It's wasting my time.

Funny thing is I hear Murder of One playing by counting crows. Jeff once said it reminded him of me.

"Wrapped in strands of fist and bone

Curiosity, Kitten, doesn't have to mean you're on your own

You can look outside your window

He doesn't have to know

We can talk awhile, baby

We can take it nice and slow"

and this part too:

"There's a bird that nests inside you

Sleeping underneath your skin

When you open up your wings to speak

I wish you'd let me in

All your life is such a shame

All your love is just a dream

Open up your eyes

You can see the flames

of your wasted life

You should be ashamed"

And I say:

I am not going to waste my life. I refuse to waste it!

-PB

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