1st of the day

You won't hear too much from me today, So I thought I would post an early one. I have an Altzhiemers conference today. I am not really certain what I am supposed to do when I get there. I only know that we will be having a presentation table. Considering I have been w/ this organization since septemeber, & I have managed to do little more than make about 150 journal entries and a few copies...I feel that I am going to be of little use. However, I'll be there w/ bells on!

I'm having a bit of a rough time right now. I am sure that is the last thing all of you want to hear about but hell...it's my journal right? Last night, on my way home, b calls to tell me that I will need to bring my own dinner to his parents house. Seems that it is fried chicken night. So first thing that goes through my mind is the feeling of being unwanted. Granted I lost my "guest" status years ago....but I only come to dinner one night a week. Is it too much to ask that I be included in the meal just once a week?

So feeling low I head to a little shop for a pair of cutsie undies. I had seen some cute ones by Girl Wonder. They had a teddy bear on them and said "can we just cuddle?" They were out of my size. I would take a large, and only medium was left. They had a thong version, however some styles of thong have a way of squishing my fat in a very unflattering way. I was dissapointed. But I did manage to find some carebear shoe laces.

From there it was off to a very pathetic meal w/ his family.

When I got home I had to lay in bed for a while because my neck and shoulders hurt so badly. I could only lay and cry. B did give in and work on the knots enough so that I could get up again without too much trouble.

I wrote to jeff for a while then went to bed....where I was proptly turned down for nookie. As usual he was too tired.

I was up by 1 something terribly upset that the scale has indeed, moved up another notch. So what the fuck did I do? I ate some pasta salad. Not enough to call it a real binge at least. I have been feeling really bad about myself. It's just sucky. I keep getting bigger and it is the last thing I want. I have tried to be more active. I managed to avoid a binge yesterday-despite a BIG BIG desire. But this is how it's going to be?

I long to be empty again. I used to love that feeling. when you get used to being empty you don't want to dirty yourself by eating bad things. Right now I always feel dirty. It sounds so friggin stupid but I am even afraid to be seen today. I'm wearing a black dress suit, But I keep feeling like my stomach is huge despite the pull of control top hosiery. I feel bad that people have to look at me, and I am very ashamed. Worst of all...people are going to be looking at me all day.

I will give you some thing good though. I bought myself 2 birthday presents from ebay. one of them is adress. It's new but vintage, still has the tags from the store...hehe. The seller was so happy when they saw my name because she used to have a family friend with the same name. My real name is pretty uncommon, and kind of oldfashioned. Old fashioned the way that Deloris is.

But Here is the cute dress....Won't it look with either a brightly colored pair of "grown up" style high heeled mary janes...or some super swell platforms? I'm thinking of something maybe pink or orange. Sure I could do white, but why should I do that when I could go bold?

-PB

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